tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91656566236796563282024-03-14T09:07:38.903-05:00HialeahCrimsonNoel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-89717512272794470722008-08-22T21:42:00.003-05:002008-08-22T21:50:39.406-05:00Which is it, Borgnine!?I ran across this while scanning IMDB for...well, I honestly have no idea why I scan IMDB anymore.<br /><br /><blockquote><big>Borgnine: 'Acting Keeps Me Alive'</big><br /><br />Movie veteran Ernest Borgnine refuses to retire from movies, claiming acting has helped him live to the age of 91.<br /><br />The Oscar winner is still as busy as ever and has three new films out in 2008.<br /><br />And Borgnine claims some of his late contemporaries may still be alive if they'd carried on working.<br /><br />He says, "These guys who say, 'I can't wait to retire. Hot dog!' And after about a week they're ready to pull their hair out. Keep busy and you'll stay younger and healthier, and you'll be around a hell of a lot longer."</blockquote><br /><br />That, of course, stands in stark contradiction to what he said just the other day on that bastion of idiocy, <i>Fox & Friends</i>:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3I_PeLNzxNQ&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3I_PeLNzxNQ&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Which is it, Borgnine? Acting or masturbating? I mean, it can't possibly be both, can it? Can I dare to dream...<br /><br />You know what? Whatever. Either way, I'm looking at fifty-fifty odds that I'll live forever. In the meantime, enjoy the trailer to a badass Ernest Borgnine film I saw yesterday:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Du7ls7v2uYQ&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Du7ls7v2uYQ&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />By the way, that'd be Howard Hughes's favorite movie. It also has absolutely no women in it. Those facts may be connected.Archie Micklewhitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00920298141672052676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-42811099414521144862008-06-28T13:04:00.004-05:002008-06-28T14:16:30.012-05:00Double Reviews!!! Indiana Jones and The Incredible HulkSo apparently this place is evolving into Movie Review Central. I've been meaning to get to this for some time now, and now Archie has kind of thrown down the gauntlet. I think I'll start with...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal </span><span style="text-decoration: line-through;"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Turd</span></span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Skull</span><br /><br /><a href="http://s264.photobucket.com/albums/ii178/djmmm46/?action=view&current=IndianaJones.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/ii178/djmmm46/IndianaJones.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size:78%;">The last good moment in this fucking movie. And it's about ten minutes into the film.</span></span><br /><br />I have not been so disappointed since I lost my virginity. Much like <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> experience, this film was very much anticipated, I had relatively low expectations, and even those low expectations were not even met. I sort of steadfastly avoid reading reviews before seeing a movie I'm really looking forward to. I like to go in as fresh as possible and form my own opinion without being biased by what some asshole from The New York Times or the Village Voice thinks about the movie. Having said that, I did go into the movie with two fears:<br /><br /><ol><li>That Harrison Ford's oldness was going to be distracting as to make the film shitty.</li><li>George Lucas's involvement was going to make the film even shittier.</li></ol>Let's face it. George Lucas might be the most massively overrated filmmaker in Hollywood. He's made maybe <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076759/">ONE</a> good film on his own. I'm not bothering with George's filmography, but if I've overlooked something, let me know in the comments. Anyway, as it turned out, Harrison Ford's age was the subject of a couple of mediocre jokes but it was surprisingly not distracting at all. That said, the rest of the film was shit.<br /><br />There were three terrible signs right away. First, the fucking CGI prairie dogs. What... the ... fuck? Next the pointless sort-of-drag race with the army trucks and the teenagers over the opening credits and Elvis. Elvis is fine. But what the fuck? <span style="font-style: italic;">Raiders</span> opened with dudes in the jungle, which was cool. <span style="font-style: italic;">Temple of Doom</span> opened with a musical number in a dinner club, which was kind of lame, but still not sucky and set the atmosphere for the opening bit of the movie. And <span style="font-style: italic;">Last Crusade </span>opened with Young Indy in the desert being a bad young dude. This had absolutely nothing to do with anything except to tell us, Hey it's the fifties! Which you could have done with a fucking caption anyway!<br /><br />Finally, the ultimate terrible sign of unfettered badness: Story by Some Dude & George Lucas. This was when I realized, oh shit, this might REALLY fucking suck.<br /><br />And it did.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Grade: F-minus-minus.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Incredible Hulk</span><br /><br /><a href="http://s264.photobucket.com/albums/ii178/djmmm46/?action=view&current=002380301507.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/ii178/djmmm46/002380301507.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:78%;" >Here's a hint, Hollywood: if you're doing a movie that was a beloved 1970s TV show first, it probably won't be a bad idea to try to evoke it in your film.</span><br /><br />A few years ago, when Ang Lee's <span style="font-style: italic;">Hulk</span> came out, I was legitimately enthused. Hulk is probably my favorite character of the Marvel Universe, which probably says something about me being pretty passive aggressive. Anyway, I was looking forward to it. In fact, when I saw it with my girlfriend at the time, we left the theatre trying desperately to talk ourselves into it. Has anyone else ever done this? You leave the theatre knowing deep down that a movie was terrible, but because you were so amped to see it, and you paid 10 bucks a pop, you start making excuses. Excuses like, "The special effects were alright. It wasn't <span style="font-style: italic;">distracting</span> or anything." and "The Hulk jumping around was kinda cool." and the ultimate excuse of all, "Well, the sequel will be alot better because they got the boring origin stuff out of the way." It actually took about two months before we were admitting to ourselves and each other, "Yeah it was garbage."<br /><br />That said, I went into <span style="font-style: italic;">The Incredible Hulk</span> with relatively tempered expectations. I didn't even expect it to be good. Just okay. I went in expecting the Hulk to look a little fake-ish, and I didn't anticipate much more than a big dumb summer popcorn movie. My expectations were actually surpassed.<br /><br />What did this film do right? First of all, the casting was pretty spot on. Ed Norton just <span style="font-style: italic;">works</span> as Banner, and Liv Tyler, gorgeous as she is, just seems to work better as a scientist/nerdboy-dream-come-true than Jennifer Connelly did in the other film. Secondly, and I think this is a major problem with most superhero movies, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Incredible Hulk</span> serves as a reboot to the franchise but doesn't rehash the origin story except briefly and with no dialogue over the opening credits and through some dialogue throughout the film. There's so little of it and it's so subtle, that you barely even notice that it's there. Let's face it, folks, if you're going in to watch a movie called <span style="font-style: italic;">The Incredible Hulk</span> you either already know the backstory, or you're going with someone who can sum it up in three sentences. Incidentally, I went with a girl who didn't know ANYTHING about the Hulk before the movie, and after a very brief explanation early on (along the lines of "Bruce mad, Bruce change, Bruce smash") she seemed to enjoy the film quite alot.<br /><br />Someone on some blog somewhere (sorry to whoever it is that I'm ripping off here; if you know who it is, mention it in the comments and I'll link) mentioned that <span style="font-style: italic;">The Incredible Hulk</span> is basically a remake of <span style="font-style: italic;">Spider-man</span>. In a way, I think this is correct. It is a movie about an ordinary man who has uncontrollable god-like power accidentally thrust upon him. Much of the film is about the hero refusing to acknowledge the power as his and actively looking to get rid of it. In the end, Banner realizes that with great power comes great responsibility, whether we want that power or not.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>The Incredible Hulk</span> succeeds not because it's a particularly good movie. It isn't really. It's just very competent. It knows what kind of film it is and doesn't try to be anything more or less. Unlike <span style="font-style: italic;">Indiana Jones</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Incredible Hulk</span> doesn't try to blow you away; it just doesn't fuck the easy things up.<br /><br />What does it say about the state of movies that the standard for "good movie" is basic competence?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Grade: B+</span>Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-65345750728005107962008-06-28T01:06:00.005-05:002008-08-29T22:15:15.592-05:00Review: Wanted<i>There will be spoilers. To be honest, I'm not sure whether knowing them ahead of time would really detract from one's enjoyment of the film, but I'll flag them or something when the time comes. Because I'm cool like that.</i><br /><br />If I can start with a digression (is that even logically possible?), my first big reaction to <i>Wanted</i> was, "Huh...is this really the first Angelina Jolie movie I've ever seen?" For all the fact that Jolie is a humanitarian, a paparazzi super-target, a reformed(?) psychopath, and quite possibly the only celebrity I could legitimately see starting a new career as an international jewel thief, I spent quite a bit of <i>Wanted</i> finding myself confused by the very idea of Angelina Jolie actually appearing in a movie. A character actress she most certainly isn't.<br /><br />Scanning her IMDB filmography, I was wrong. I've seen two Angelina Jolie films before this: <i>Shark Tale</i>, an inoffensive movie in the <i>Shrek</i> mold where she probably had a decent role, and <i>Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow</I>, a film probably most notable as the precursor of more polished green screen extravaganzas like <i>300</i> and <i>Sin City</i>. It also could have been notable as the film to start the trend of using archive footage of dead actors, but despite a noble effort by <i>Superman Returns</i> that hasn't quite caught on yet.<br /><br />In a weird quirk that I find weird and everyone else will likely find boring, both <i>Shark Tale</i> and <i>Sky Captain</i> were released in 2004. Four years later, her two big films are <i>Wanted</i> and <i>Kung Fu Panda</i>, in which she has a minor (if featured) role. I fully intend to see <i>Kung Fu Panda</i> at some point, if only because much like Billy Batson shouting "Shazam!" turns him into Captain Marvel, Jack Black shouting "Squadoosh" turns me into a gibbering eight-year-old desperate to give Dreamworks money. So yeah, for whatever reason, every four years produces two Angelina Jolie movies I want to see, one an animated movie and another one that might as well be. So yeah, I should be on the lookout in 2012, I guess, when I imagine she'll be appearing in <i>Piggy Hamlet: A Porker of a Revenge</i> and an adaptation of Grant Morrison's "everything ever is absolutely true" mega-mindfuck <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Invisibles">The Invisibles</a></i>. Of course, she'll be playing <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Fanny_(comics)">Lord Fanny</a>, "the Brazilian transgendered shaman." Can't fucking wait. Hell, if all goes according to plan, I'll be writing and directing.<br /><br />Sorry for the disturbingly AiCN-style transgression, but I had a bit of a hidden agenda behind my babbling. As you might have noticed from my somewhat forced Captain Marvel analogy and the reference to <i>The Invisibles</i>, I can say without fear of contradiction that I know my fucking comics. Sadly, I haven't read <i>Wanted</i>, which puts me in the relatively unusual position of being a massive comic book nerd with no knowledge of the source material (although that isn't a million miles away from how I approached <i>Iron Man</i>, truth be told, and certainly that was the case with <i>300</i>, so maybe not all that unusual). Point is, I know comics. And, to be honest, <i>Wanted</i> didn't really feel like much of a comic book movie. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing.<br /><br />Look, I'm going nowhere here. I know it, and now, since I just told you, I imagine you know it as well. So let me reduce <i>Wanted</i> to a simple equation...<br /><br /><i>Fight Club</i> + <i>Shoot 'Em Up</i> + Mark Millar's Insanity = <i>Wanted</i><br /><br />The film borrows a number of similar stylistic quirks from <i>Fight Club</i> in setting up James McAvoy as a go-nowhere working class schlub, and it's here where the film probably suffers the most from the comparison. Director Timur Bekmambetov is a highly proficient action director, but he lacks some of David Fincher's visual genius and ability to make disparate quirks cohere into something bigger. As much as McAvoy is really rather good in the role, his narration is the weak link in his performance, and 2008 James McAvoy has nothing on 1999 Edward Norton. (2008 Edward Norton might be another issue entirely.)<br /><br />That isn't to say <i>Wanted</i> is in any sense a ripoff of <i>Fight Club</i>, but anyone who has seen both films - and I'm guessing there's a substantial overlap within the film's intended demographic - can't help but make the connection, at least in the first thirty minutes. After that, it heads into the sort of gleefully over-the-top, ultraviolent giddiness that has become male moviegoers' leading guilty pleasure. It's fun, it's (intentionally) hilarious, and it's got Angelina Jolie's naked ass in it. Not a bad haul.<br /><br />I already said James McAvoy is good, and the cast in general is strong, although this certainly isn't a movie that demands much from its thespians. I'm hard-pressed to name a standout, but that doesn't really hurt the film. Like I said, the point of the film is to be badass, and by and large it delivers. <br /><br />If there <i>is</i> a big problem with the film, it's the plot. It can be reduced to two sentences, which will be separated by some helpful spoiler space. Before I do so, if you're still on the fence about this film, I can say this: if you enjoy adrenaline-fueled visual spectacle, this film is a very reasonable choice. It's a great summer movie, which really only means it's a good movie, but whatever. Anyway, if you've already seen it or don't mind being spoiled (I'd contend it doesn't make much of a difference, but it's your call), you may keep reading.<br /><br />*AHEM*<br /><br />James McAvoy is recruited and trained by a fraternity of assassins to kill an evil rogue agent.<br /><br />OK, now your spoiler space. Because I'm an asshole, I'll fill it with an unflattering picture of James McAvoy. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.newanimal.org/tumnus_faun_satyr.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 278px;" src="http://www.newanimal.org/tumnus_faun_satyr.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />And now for the second sentence.<br /><br />*AHEM*<br /><br />James McAvoy finds out the evil rogue agent was really a good guy (not to mention his father) and that Morgan Freeman is evil, leading him to kill every last motherfucker in the fraternity, apart from Angelina Jolie, who obligingly does the job herself.<br /><br />Well, that's basically it. Jolie actually kills a bunch of other assassins as well before ultimately offing herself by firing a bullet in a perfect circle (man, that just makes me feel dumb just typing that out), but whatever. As far as plots go, this is pretty bog-standard. Dude finds traitor, finds out traitor isn't traitor, and then takes his revenge. Even if I hadn't seen the red-band trailer where Morgan Freeman says "motherfucker", which is a sure sign he's evil, I'm pretty sure I could have guessed that a mile away.<br /><br />And that's the essential problem. It's a film about super-assassins, and yet the film almost completely eschews even the slightest shade of gray. Sure, there's a little rationalization of the "needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" variety, but the film has clear heroes and clear villains, instead of what it really should have: a bunch of fucked up assassins who have convinced themselves this is OK.<br /><br />I hate armchair rewrites of movies, where reviewers give their own half-assed ideas for how the film should have gone. So I will, of course, do precisely that. Either the film should have made a bigger issue of the morality of its characters' actions, painting things not as heroes and villains but instead as a bunch of antiheroes, <i>OR</i> the film should have embraced the <i>Shoot 'Em Up</i> route of pure adrenaline milkshake. Which is something, truth be told, I would have drank. The milkshake, I mean. I'm making a <i>There Will Be Blood</i> reference, people. Do try to keep up.<br /><br />Stuck in the middle as it is, the film's plot feels so half-assed that it detracts a little from the admittedly ridiculously entertaining action. Which is a shame really, because I suspect either alternative direction coupled with this level of talent could have unleashed a transcendent motion picture. Oh well. Still fun though. Especially when the film's ultimate struggle is between Mr. Tumnus and the dude who drove Miss Daisy. That's pretty fucking spectacular.<br /><br /><b>Overall Grade: B</b><br /><br /><i>Note: Sorry that this post was so meandering. I'll try harder next time to keep things streamlined. To be honest, though, I know you can get a review of </i>Wanted<i> pretty much anywhere, so I thought I might more focus on my own impressions and random takeaway points. Make of that what you will.</i>Archie Micklewhitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00920298141672052676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-56170204422874782402008-06-23T19:07:00.001-05:002008-06-24T11:47:49.580-05:00Stuff you should watch: On Deadly GroundSince I've recently been non-ironically watching a lot of shitty action movies, I'm just going to go ahead and extrapolate from my own life - non-ironically watching shitty action movies is the latest hip trend! Everybody's doing it! Everybody! Woo!<br /><br />Whether that's true or not, it seems relatively fair to say that, in an age of neutered action movies (for fuck's sake, John McClane didn't even get his signature catchphrase off properly in the last <i>Die Hard</i> entry), there's something reassuring about films that don't mess around when it comes to the whole sex and violence thing. Well, mostly violence. The concept of Arnold Schwarzenegger actually engaging in coitus is a little disturbing. But still, that's there too. And profanity. Lots of beautiful, beautiful profanity. And where can we find such films? The eighties, mostly, although one should never underestimate the early nineties as the rich vein of shitty action movies that we all know it to be. Exhibit A: Steven Seagal's classic environtacular, <i>On Deadly Ground</i>...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/MMPO/503624~On-Deadly-Ground-Posters.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/MMPO/503624~On-Deadly-Ground-Posters.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />You know, it's one thing to watch <i>Predator</i> or <i>Total Recall</i> and say you're an action fan; those movies are, after all, pretty damn good. But <i>On Deadly Ground</i>? This movie is pretty much the epitome of something that has to be seen to be believed. It's in the conversation for being the most insane, most bizarrely misguided film ever made. It's an utterly unbelievable mix of <i>Commando</i> and <i>An Inconvenient Truth</i> that throws in the least convincing group of villains in history just for laughs. It's that terrible and, thus, it's that good.<br /><br />Now don't get me wrong. I'm not some ironic post-modern douche bag who can only enjoy bad movies ironically. No, I enjoy shitty movies completely earnestly. If I can crib a little from my main man Nathan Rabin over at the A.V. Club, there's something breathtaking about films that, despite the obvious lack of even the most basic understanding of what makes movies good, are so feverishly, psychotically inspired that every ensuing sequence seems to build its own hypnotic, ridiculous momentum. It's watching movies through the looking glass, people, and it's incredible if you're willing to go all-in. I know <i>On Deadly Ground</i> is a piece of shit. That doesn't mean it isn't a tremendous film. This is the sort of movie that happens when Steven Seagal stars, produces, directs, and quite probably rewrites much of the script. That really should say it all.<br /><br />But still, the title of this was "Stuff you should watch", so I will continue to make my case. Since I can't be fucking bothered to actually write my own damn summary of the plot, I'll let IMDB take care of it:<br /><blockquote>Forrest Taft is an environmental agent who works for the Aegis Oil Company in Alaska. Aegis Oil's corrupt CEO, Michael Jennings, is the kind of person who doesn't care whether or not oil spills into the ocean or onto the land, just as long as it's making money for him. He even makes commercials that make him look like he cares about the environment. Jennings is almost finished with building his new state-of-the art oil rig: AEGIS-1. The problem is that if he doesn't finish building the rig in thirteen days, the land rights will be returned to the Eskimos and the Alaskan government. When Jennings finds out that Taft's best friend Hugh Palmer has a computer disk that contains information about defective equipment on AEGIS-1, he sends out his goons to murder Palmer. When Taft tries to interfere, Jennings tries to kill Taft. But an Eskimo woman named Masu, who introduces Taft to her father Silook, the chief of her tribe, rescues Taft. With Masu's help, Taft begins a trek through the Alaskan wilderness, heading straight for AEGIS-1 and to destroy it before it destroys all of the forest.</blockquote><br />Yeah, sure, why not? With that out of the way, I will now present seven compelling reasons to convince you to drop whatever the fuck it is you're doing (especially you, brain surgeons who are currently operating) and go see <i>On Deadly Ground</i>. Why seven reasons? Because I don't have the energy to do ten. Why a lame-ass list? Because I'm too fucking lazy to keep myself organized otherwise, that's why.<br /><br /><b>1. Michael Caine</b><br /><br />Hey, you remember that rich Texan oilman bastard Michael Jennings? You know, the guy who "even makes commercials that make him look like he cares about the environment"? I know, right? What a bastard! Anyway, that guy is played by Michael Caine, whose unconvincing dye job is only surpassed by his unconvincing Texas accent. But still, since it's Michael Caine, you immediately know two things:<br /><br />A. Much like Sean Connery, Michael Caine will appear in literally anything if you pay him enough.<br />B. Even when he obviously couldn't give two shits about the piece of shit he's in, he still acts circles around everyone else. <br /><br />And no, I'm not at all biased by the fact that he's half of my pseudonym. Don't believe me? Well how about we just check out that commercial of his...<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/f6SAnlipyYM&hl=en"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/f6SAnlipyYM&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />How can he be evil? He records such sweet commercials! Anyway, yeah, he tries to kill Steven Seagal. Big mistake. Speaking of which...<br /><br /><b>2. Standing up for tolerance by indiscriminately beating the crap out of white people</b><br /><br />Steven Seagal shows his skull-busting chops early and often in a pool hall fight scene that redefines the word "lopsided." Honestly, half of his opponents look about sixty. So yeah, that's a fair fight. Still, he's standing up for the native Alaskans, so no one can say his cause isn't just.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9vk5pcjCwyQ&hl=en"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9vk5pcjCwyQ&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />If you watch all the way to the end, you'll be treated to the following life-altering exchange...<br /><br />Forrest Taft: What does it take...what does it take to change the essence of a man?<br />Racist dude he just viciously beat the shit out of: Time. I need...time...to change.<br /><br />Socrates's corpse just shat itself, because that is some fucking profound wisdom right there.<br /><br /><b>3. R. Lee Ermey paying Seagal some motherfucking respect</b><br /><br />When you want to prove the hero is for real, you get R. Lee Ermey to launch into an extended metaphor on just how badass he is. Ermey could make the phonebook sound like an ultra-macho killing machine <i>and</i> somehow imply I'm gay, so the following little monologue is fucking child's play for the drill sergeant turned surprisingly talented character actor:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/x-_a82bCkRo&hl=en"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/x-_a82bCkRo&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I think I just found what's going on my tombstone. I also need to change my pants. For many, many reasons.<br /><br /><b>4. The most beautiful, poetic dialogue ever written</b><br /><br />You want to know what the first big line Steven Seagal says is? The line that pretty much establishes his character for the rest of the movie? Our most formative introduction to him? Yeah, it's this:<br /><br />"For 350,000 dollars I'd fuck anything once!"<br /><br />If that isn't poetry, then Dylan Thomas can go fuck himself. Here are some other beauties credited writers Ed Horowitz and Robin Russin can proudly stick on their resumes:<br /><br />"You wanna know who he is? Try this: delve down into the deepest bowels of your soul. Try to imagine the ultimate fucking nightmare. And that won't come close to that son of a bitch when he gets pissed."<br /><br />"Well, let's see, that's natives 8, oil workers 0. Anyone else wanna play with Cupcake?"<br /><br />"Who's this? Is this the slope bitch you've been banging?"<br />"Nah. Not her."<br />"Is this the one who's got you all concerned about the dirty snow? Jesus, Forrest! You and me, we bought hookers better than this for five bucks in Bangkok!" <br /><br />Seriously, I'm weeping a little just copying and pasting those.<br /><br /><b>5. Billy Bob Thornton doing Michael Cera before there was Michael Cera</b><br /><br />Late in the film, a chubby, pre-<i>Sling-Blade</i> Billy Bob Thornton shows up as Ermey's chief lieutenant in the hunt for Forrest Taft. For some unknown reason, he decides to play his part with the sort of halting, awkwardly self-obsessed delivery that has given many a comedy lover a man-crush on Michael Cera. Seriously, take the following lines of dialogue on the properly manly way to use a machine gun...<br /><br />Billy Bob: Well, what do you think? Stock in or out?<br /><br />Some other dude: I don't think it's going to make much difference.<br /><br />Billy Bob: Well, I do, see. 'Cause when it's out I kinda feel like a pussy, you know what I'm saying. And when it's in, it just feels like, I don't know, meaner or something and when I kill the son of a bitch I wanna feel good about myself. I wanna feel solid.<br /><br />...and just imagine Michael Cera reading those lines. That's just as accurate as any YouTube clip. It's absolutely fucking hysterical. And, at the risk of another tired segue, speaking of hysterical...<br /><br /><b>6. John C. McGinley as the world's least effective torturer</b><br /><br />Anyone who has seen <i>Scrubs</i> (and I unfortunately have to plead guilty on that count) knows John C. McGinley is a pretty awesome motherfucker. He's also pretty much Rear Admiral of the USS Intensity. I mean, pretty much. Unfortunately, his trademark barely contained rage doesn't really work when given this script, resulting in the most manically useless torturer in history. Sent to extract information from a sexagenarian (that means sixty-something, you pervert) oil-worker, he quickly falls prey to the old man's singularly unimpressive reverse psychology, collapsing into the sort of comebacks that seem tired on elementary school playgrounds, let alone an enhanced interrogation situation. In lieu of a clip, here's the dialogue in question...<br /><br />McGinley: You'd better quit while you're ahead, Hugh! Know what I'm saying? While you can still play marbles. Where are the disks? Where are the books?<br />Old dude: Fuck you!<br />McGinley: Fuck me? No, FUCK YOU!<br />[Other henchman breaks Hugh's second finger (Hugh is the old dude).]<br />McGinley: Hugh.<br />Old dude: Go to hell!<br />McGinley: OK. OK. I'll go to hell!<br /><br />He then proceeds to open up the old dude's kitchen cabinets and break all his dishes. <i>That</i> is his big contribution to the torture, whereas the other henchman is methodically breaking the old dude's fingers. So yeah, that's pretty fucking spectacular.<br /><br /><b>7. Steven Seagal explains environmentalism!</b><br /><br />I wasn't kidding when I said this was <i>Commando</i> meets <i>An Inconvenient Truth</i>. After a whole shit ton of deaths - which, because I'm a nice guy, I'll show you right now...<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ly4-v18uO3o&hl=en"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ly4-v18uO3o&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />...anyway after that - Steven Seagal proceeds to explain to the world just why oil companies are evil. Sadly, the scene does not appear to be available anywhere on the series of tubes - oil company conspiracy, yes? - but IMDB has the complete speech on its quotes page. It's a full twenty-one lines of solid text. It apparently was eleven minutes long in the original cut, but test audiences found it "too preachy." Yeah, the final version is a huge improvement on that front. Some choice excerpts...<br /><br />"How many of you out there have heard of alternative engines? Engines that can run on anything from alcohol to garbage or water. Or carburetors that can get hundreds of miles to the gallon. Or electric or magnetic engines, that can practically run forever."<br /><br />"Millions and millions of gallons of oil are now destroying the ocean and the many forms of life it supports. Among these is plankton, which supplies sixty to ninety percent of the Earth's oxygen. This supports the entire marine ecosystem which forms the basis of our planet's food supply. But the plankton is dying. I thought, well, let's go to remote state or country, anywhere on Earth. But in doing a little research I realized that these people broker toxic waste all over the world. They basically control the legislation, and, in fact, they control the Law."<br /><br />"We go to work each day and right under our noses we see our car and the car in front of us spewing noxious poisonous gasses that are all accumulative poisons. These poisons kill us slowly, even when we see no effect. How many of us would have believed if we were told twenty years ago that on a certain day we wouldn't be able to see fifty feet in front of us. That we wouldn't be able to take a deep breath because the air would be a mass of poisonous gas. That we wouldn't be able to drink out of our faucets, that we'd have to buy water out of bottles. Our most common and God-given rights have been taken away from us."<br /><br />As long as all that shit is, I'm still vastly cutting down the speech itself. It makes the likes of Michael Moore look like a paragon of subtlety and restraint. It is easily the most preachy scene I have ever seen.<br /><br />But...and here's the big "but"...Steven Seagal killed like fifty people and caused billions of dollars worth of damage just to get to that point. He also essentially argued at one point that violence solves everything and peaceful ways are for pussies, which is such a refreshing message these days.<br /><br />If that's not enough reason to see <i>On Deadly Ground</i>, just remember this - Steven Seagal goes on a vision quest and fights a bear. <i>And wins.</i><br /><br />I think I'm done here.Archie Micklewhitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00920298141672052676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-3739102461486923582008-05-22T17:27:00.004-05:002008-05-22T19:33:37.073-05:00Alice ElectronicaAs some of you might be aware, I am very fond of <span style="font-style: italic;">Alice and Wonderland</span>. I read the Lewis Carroll books and the Disney film is probably my second favorite after <span style="font-style: italic;">Snow White</span>. So when I saw this, I figured it had to go up on here. It's entrancing and every time I watch it, I like it a little bit more.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">EDIT: Tip o' the hat to Space Bream for linking me to this.</span><br /><br /><object height="355" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/pAwR6w2TgxY&hl=en"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/pAwR6w2TgxY&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="355" width="425"></embed></object>Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-4393037040912537772008-05-20T23:52:00.002-05:002008-05-21T23:07:00.672-05:00And so it re-begins...Think of it as the blogging equivalent of <i>Terminator: The Return of the Terminator</i>. Fresh off our monstrous success as 2/3 of the <a href="http://fireverybody.blogspot.com">Fire Everybody</a> team, Djmmm and I are teaming up to restore this blog to its former glory. Not quite sure what this will precisely involve (although NOT sports journalism meta-commentary is probably a very good guess), although I do know it's about to get a whole hell of a lot nerdier up in here. And on that note, let me lay out my one solemn goal: we're going to make this the World's Finest blog.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.goldenagebatman.com/superman76a.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px;" src="http://www.goldenagebatman.com/superman76a.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />As long as Lois doesn't get in the way (<i>AGAIN!</i>), I think this should end well.Archie Micklewhitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00920298141672052676noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-63754508880345655492008-05-20T22:27:00.006-05:002008-05-20T23:13:01.424-05:00Holy Shit He's Posting Again!I am not dead. In fact, I have survived a year of law school and have started writing for a sports journalism blog, <a href="http://fireeverybody.blogspot.com/">Fire Everybody in the Whole World!</a> (except of course anyone on the 100 Greatest List). In any case, I'm here to make some announcements.<br /><br />I have found that keeping up the blog on my own is incredibly hard work, but it gets to be alot easier to do if you're playing off someone else who is smart, funny, and articulate. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any such person, so I brought in fellow warm body from Fire Everybody, Archie Micklewhite to supplement this blog over here.<br /><br />There will be a number of changes-- for starters we will actually be posting from time to time about whatever tickles our fancy. There'll also be some changes to the format of the blog over the next couple of weeks, primarily in terms of layout, but you can also expect some more embedding. Some things won't change though-- if you're not into sports, don't worry. This won't become a sports blog. That stuff will stay over there at Fire Everybody and if you want to read that stuff, go ahead. We're actually quite proud of it. We hope we can keep up the standards we've set over there (that is something between crap and mediocrity) over here (which would be a marked improvement over not posting for six months at a time. Additionally, if you're a fan of the 100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived series (and I know at least one of you is), fret not. The list actually does exist and I'm the only person that knows its contents. I'll pick that up again and try to post at least one new name each week, and no one, not even Archie, will know who's on the list.<br /><br />Anyway, that's about it. If you're new to the blog but enjoyed our work over at Fire Everybody, we're going to try to do expand our horizons here and do the non-sports stuff here. We think the two blogs should supplement each other well.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-90703863294067072002007-10-02T20:36:00.001-05:002008-11-13T12:25:50.638-05:00100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #63 Michelangelo<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-n_IMEhW9NYzQAYoAf9FM2FdxiXONq_T796tonTv7sMhqLQBbLme3ccWzGtTxLpkePiWSs0zJkt6RhjAZqcNSJRPS-utaJ2y5BY_gGiO_kpD3CScbgWEq1e0V4ssFoCrSlRp0tWuEGV5Y/s1600-h/Sistine+Chapel.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-n_IMEhW9NYzQAYoAf9FM2FdxiXONq_T796tonTv7sMhqLQBbLme3ccWzGtTxLpkePiWSs0zJkt6RhjAZqcNSJRPS-utaJ2y5BY_gGiO_kpD3CScbgWEq1e0V4ssFoCrSlRp0tWuEGV5Y/s400/Sistine+Chapel.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5116932980966519714" border="0" /></a><br />I feel like I can almost just copy and paste the entry for Da Vinci and put it here. Whatever. Michelangelo ALSO had a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle named after him, who was alot less of a dick than Leonardo, who always behaved like he had a stick jammed up his ass.<br /><br />Michelangelo is probably best known for painting the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel, pictured in slightly PhotoShopped form above, which is pretty awesome in and of itself, but he also sculpted the famous statue of the Biblical king, David as well as the almost as famous and equally sublime Pieta. He also did a really cool sculpture of Moses, and (I did not know this until doing a bit of research for this post) he also was the architect who designed St. Peter's Basilica in Rome.<br /><br />That's it. Law school is taking alot out of me, and I'd really rather get through the list so sorry if these posts are becoming somewhat short. Next on the list is number 62, the man all (straight) men wish they were.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-3911206185408862292007-10-02T20:36:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:50.757-05:00100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #64 John Cleese<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGlZpC7Ed2ozz2XYQAUAwblYVu5xJ0webbN3OBV_Ne5EZuvsPCVNxd826ECzhCWS5yqJp9X-Jyeb5onKl1dnzqoDpATv5kn719kCT2RxdjOgcXKo9JKTxTTo4Y-t8OTOh3SkjD6vo3XXIP/s1600-h/Cleese.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGlZpC7Ed2ozz2XYQAUAwblYVu5xJ0webbN3OBV_Ne5EZuvsPCVNxd826ECzhCWS5yqJp9X-Jyeb5onKl1dnzqoDpATv5kn719kCT2RxdjOgcXKo9JKTxTTo4Y-t8OTOh3SkjD6vo3XXIP/s400/Cleese.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5116914667225969554" border="0" /></a><br />The funniest man in the funniest comedy troupe of all time, John Cleese comes in at number 64 of this list. I am sorely tempted here to go off on a tangent here about something like a man with a tape recorder in his nose. Instead I will mention here that Cleese was one of the funniest guests ever on <span style="font-style: italic;">The Muppet Show<span style="font-style: italic;">. </span></span>Furthermore.... well, just watch this clip right here:<br /><br /><object height="350" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/fsHk9WC7fnQ"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/fsHk9WC7fnQ" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="350" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br />If that doesn't get you on this list, I don't know what will. Oh and he also did the Ministry of Silly Walks, the sketch about the fish called Eric, the Cheese Shop sketch, and of course the immortal Dead Parrot sketch.<br /><br />Next time I post, it'll be about number 61 on the list, a guy who painted a really cool ceiling once.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-69077851923792888372007-09-14T13:19:00.001-05:002008-11-13T12:25:50.973-05:00100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #79 Sir George Martin, CBE<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLqRreBKLYTyPlFV3t3W08DQ3vdAT7-1htLXAObQQ9apa93zPaTdKh4eE-hl7kHzsmI5mLBPzguevRreOlv1Abj9wF1hBWwRYh-14d6ESxIRYWXXXCEn9wEsSjkTBQe6SUIYefVcgheCDb/s1600-h/george_martin-paul.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLqRreBKLYTyPlFV3t3W08DQ3vdAT7-1htLXAObQQ9apa93zPaTdKh4eE-hl7kHzsmI5mLBPzguevRreOlv1Abj9wF1hBWwRYh-14d6ESxIRYWXXXCEn9wEsSjkTBQe6SUIYefVcgheCDb/s400/george_martin-paul.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5110129245621608018" border="0" /></a><br />You know what? Fuck Michael Jackson. I am so outraged about <a href="http://hialeahcrimson.blogspot.com/2007/09/what-hell-man.html">that goddamn diaper commercial</a>, that Michael Jackson is getting stricken from the list. Can I do that? Sure. Why? Because it's my blog and Jacko's a douchebag for selling out the Beatles to sell bags for baby shit.<br /><br />I'm replacing him here with Sir George Martin, CBE. If you've never heard of him, you've certainly heard the music he's produced before. He was the closest thing there ever was to a Fifth Beatle. Martin produced all of the Beatles' albums except for <span style="font-style: italic;">Let It Be</span>, and that turned out to be an absolutely terrible fucking record, thanks to Phil <a href="http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2007/09/13/america/NA-GEN-US-Phil-Spector.php">"I allegedly murdered a struggling actress"</a> Spector (might be able to strike the allegedly any minute now!).<br /><br />And it's not like George Martin was just pushing buttons either. Where Lennon and McCartney were the raw writing talent of the band early on, Martin was the technical expert. None of the Beatles could read or write music and alot of the later stuff was jotted down by Martin and arranged for classically trained musicians to play. Some of his most notable stuff is playing the baroque sounding piano solo in "In My Life," arranging the orchestral build up in "A Day in the Life," and the circus music in "Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite."<br /><br />Also George Martin is a knight. A fucking knight. Suck it, Michael Jackson, you turd.<br /><br />By the way, the John Cleese post will get done when I have time.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-21926253423170198402007-09-14T09:22:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:51.096-05:00What the hell, man?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcuuXDH5mp026qIAjrgtzQW6bjnmKRhst5OwR7-7JjDxWsHC_6R8KlQvEjJtqrV2WxkH-8Rde_-liP6zsVH7yP97YZz321O5OuOFM_auvHtC9SaMg0-m1ZAeT_03s4Z5irmScaFXVCQoq1/s1600-h/ALL+YOU+NEED+IS+LOVE.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcuuXDH5mp026qIAjrgtzQW6bjnmKRhst5OwR7-7JjDxWsHC_6R8KlQvEjJtqrV2WxkH-8Rde_-liP6zsVH7yP97YZz321O5OuOFM_auvHtC9SaMg0-m1ZAeT_03s4Z5irmScaFXVCQoq1/s400/ALL+YOU+NEED+IS+LOVE.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5110069197683842626" border="0" /></a><br />So I'm watching television the other day and a commercial for diapers comes on. The music being used: "<a href="http://www.cbc.ca/arts/music/story/2007/07/21/beatles-luvs-ad.html">All You Need is Luvs</a>." That's right, they bastardized a simple, elegant, anti-war/bigotry/everything wrong with the world song to sell disposable diapers. Now I have never been the sort of person to denounce artists for using their music in commercials, even if it is rather tacky (Bob Seger and John Mellencamp, I'm looking at you!). But this is the bottom of the barrel. In my honest opinion, "All You Need Is Love" is probably the best thing, lyrically, that Lennon ever wrote and the fact that it's being used in a commercial for a product designed to hold baby piss and shit is personally offensive to me.<br /><br />Now lest either one of my readers get offended and angry at Sir Paul, Ringo, Yoko, or Olivia, bear in mind that the Beatles and their survivors don't hold the rights to the vast majority of their songs. For that we can actually blame none other than Michael Jackson, the little boy-diddling fuck. As a matter of fact, when Paul tried to buy the rights to the songs when they came up at auction, Jacko outbid him and proceeded to allow Nike to use "Revolution" to sell shoes, something that outraged Paul and led to a falling out between the two musicians.<br /><br />Come to think of it, it's probably a really bad idea to feud with Paul McCartney. Think about it-- he has most famously and publicly feuded with Michael Jackson and Phil Spector and look what happened to both of those assholes.<br /><br />Anyway, this whole advertisement thing annoyed me, and got me thinking-- Have you ever been offended by a song you like alot in a commercial? The other one that comes to mind that could have pissed alot of people off was Nike using "Spirit in the Sky," a song about dying in Viet Nam and going to heaven to meet Jeebus, for a football commercial. Feel free to post in the comments... please?Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-89944515121871411402007-07-22T12:29:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:51.232-05:00100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #65 Harrison Ford<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqyaxBMTDG6jtsgWRUMZQ65Y-i5ffFb76ZXWFVHA8iLyhyphenhyphen__A6bpHVtNIh9DsWWV_PRp7LHkm6kwWBUZejioWOdpRBlShyphenhyphensvBOfPDUkTqNMdSgL7C5CDQkr31ZdVF1JmDd5m9Z6N3wzTMl/s1600-h/Harrison+ford+in+speedos.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqyaxBMTDG6jtsgWRUMZQ65Y-i5ffFb76ZXWFVHA8iLyhyphenhyphen__A6bpHVtNIh9DsWWV_PRp7LHkm6kwWBUZejioWOdpRBlShyphenhyphensvBOfPDUkTqNMdSgL7C5CDQkr31ZdVF1JmDd5m9Z6N3wzTMl/s400/Harrison+ford+in+speedos.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5090502807112938242" border="0" /></a><br />He is the biggest box office draw ever, having had movies that he starred in gross more money combined than any other actor on the planet, living or dead. Harrison Ford has shown TONS of range, playing, to wit:<br /><br /><ul><li>An ass-kicking galactic smuggler (Han Solo)</li><li>An ass-kicking archaeologist (Indiana Jones)</li><li>An ass-kicking President of the United States (in <span style="font-style: italic;">Air Force One</span>)</li><li>An ass-kicking robot bounty hunter (<span style="font-style: italic;">Blade Runner</span>)</li><li>An ass-kicking doctor who totally didn't murder his wife. Tommy Lee Jones doesn't care. (<span style="font-style: italic;">The Fugitive</span>)<br /></li><li>An ass-kicking cop playing an ass-kicking Amish (<span style="font-style: italic;">Witness</span>. I swear I'm not making that up)<br /></li></ul><br />Okay so maybe he doesn't have that much range. But when I was a kid I frigging idolized Indiana Jones. I remember when we went to MGM Studios when I was a little boy, I bought a genuinely and officially licensed Indiana Jones fedora. Man I felt so cool having adventures in the yard wearing that thing. Also I always thought it was really cool how Indy could talk without really moving his lips at all.<br /><br />In fact, Harrison Ford SHOULD be alot higher on this list, considering that he was in the three Star Wars movies that actually mattered AND that he was Indiana Jones. But he's gotten old, he's lost a bit of his touch, and more important (and embarrassingly) he has made a string of gawdawful movies the last ten years or so, including <span style="font-style: italic;">Firewall</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Holywood Homicide</span></span>, and, perhaps worst of all, <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>K-19: The Widowmaker</span>. God damn, <span style="font-style: italic;">Widowmaker</span> was terrible.<br /><br />Next time on the list, something completely different. A man sitting at a desk announcing complete non sequiteur comedy sketches.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-79835900717096026702007-07-22T11:37:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:51.376-05:00100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #66 Leonardo Da Vinci<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFf7tKfTBqpNksAzTVVwQMGA958Ornk_ozQuruImL0s4S9JOyXYdKnTQ5tQwdNxRh2VSf4T52ti4MQLmTIC35Mfuag4zEb02WS5zoxWFC0qxF7WlAQlzabBHVjAs80yRnPbf5ciR7xZE7Z/s1600-h/Leonardo.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFf7tKfTBqpNksAzTVVwQMGA958Ornk_ozQuruImL0s4S9JOyXYdKnTQ5tQwdNxRh2VSf4T52ti4MQLmTIC35Mfuag4zEb02WS5zoxWFC0qxF7WlAQlzabBHVjAs80yRnPbf5ciR7xZE7Z/s400/Leonardo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5090067868659774194" border="0" /></a><br />Now I know I haven't put a lot of artsy fartsy types on this list-- in fact I haven't put any at all so far. Pablo Picasso, for example, will not be on this list. To be one of the 100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived, you have to do much more than paint pretty pictures! You have to uhmmm... be like <a href="http://hialeahcrimson.blogspot.com/2007/04/100-greatest-human-beings-who-ever_20.html">this guy</a>, or <a href="http://hialeahcrimson.blogspot.com/2007/06/100-greatest-human-beings-who-ever_23.html">that guy</a>, you know.... class all the way.<br /><br />But here's Da Vinci, so I know you're wondering-- Djmmm, have you gone all soft on us here? And the answer, I assure you, is "No, no I have not." Because Leonardo Da Vinci was much more than a great painter who had the stick-in-the-mud ninja turtle named after him. He was a fuckin' genius.<br /><br />He was born in 1452 and died in 1519 and in those 67 years he was THE Renaissance Man. He was a painter, sculptor, engineer, and anatomist among other things. He designed a <span style="font-style: italic;">fucking helicopter in the 16th century</span>. Keep in mind that the man died almost 400 years before the Wright Brothers came along and had they're little flight at Kitty Hawk. Among other ideas he came up with that were way ahead of his time were plate tectonics, solar power, internet porn, calculators, baseball, and tanks. WARNING: Two of the preceding assertions may not be true.<br /><br />If all of this wasn't enough the man was also a brilliant artist who created three of the most famous images in the Western canon-- <a href="http://www.spaceandmotion.com/Images/da-Vinci-Mona-Lisa-1.jpg">this</a>, <a href="http://www.success.co.il/knowledge/images/Pillar8-Thought-and-Art-Vitruvian-Man-Leonardo-da-Vinci.jpg">this</a>, and <a href="http://www.tickitaly.com/images/tickets/last-supper/vinci-supper.jpg">this</a>. That last one has been kind of the inspiration for a shitty book about Jesus boning Mary Magdalene or some other such nonsense. I don't know, because I haven't read it. I have better things to do with my time, like say, writing this shittier and irregularly updated blog.<br /><br />Okay enough with the serious honest to goodness great people and back to the People Who Are Great Because This Is My Blog and I Say So. Next on the list will be number 65, the coolest and baddest 65 year old working action star ever, the subject of man crushes all over America and a sexy sexy man.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-74663172347853772142007-07-20T23:51:00.000-05:002007-07-20T23:54:27.246-05:00And on the Ninth day, God said, "Let there be Internet" and He saw that it was good...I really don't have alot to say other than when Al Gore invented the Internet, I'm pretty sure this wasn't what he had in mind...<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/hMnk7lh9M3o"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/hMnk7lh9M3o" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br />Thanks to my close personal friend Space Bream for the linkage. Because in Space, no one can hear the Bream......Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-67711513922823536562007-06-26T09:40:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:51.512-05:00100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #67 Francis Ford Coppola<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijyXFlbVyD1RSEEwsZS7F2QIFYHE-OADot3lkTjHVHyE446qtGCNXzLYn9QlpuVc1YKi3vQMUSNATc9RdWOAJksvpWDnY0ZrRg5vWOh0uOtuI3CHVShln93-g3eAHPJ-jOtGtGgJZcFiK_/s1600-h/FFC.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijyXFlbVyD1RSEEwsZS7F2QIFYHE-OADot3lkTjHVHyE446qtGCNXzLYn9QlpuVc1YKi3vQMUSNATc9RdWOAJksvpWDnY0ZrRg5vWOh0uOtuI3CHVShln93-g3eAHPJ-jOtGtGgJZcFiK_/s400/FFC.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5080400037452763410" border="0" /></a><br />He has directed <span style="font-style: italic;">The Godfather</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Godfather Part II</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Conversation</span>, and <span style="font-style: italic;">Apocalypse Now</span>. Those four movies alone ensure that he is in the Pantheon of Great Directors and puts him on this list. The reason that he's not any higher on this list than 67? <span style="font-style: italic;">Jack</span>. What an abortion of a movie that was. See I bet you thought I was going to say <span style="font-style: italic;">The Godfather Part III</span>. And yes, that was terrible and nearly ruined the series. But, as Meat Loaf (or, as the <span style="font-style: italic;">New York Times </span>calls him, Mr. Loaf) once sang, "Two out of three ain't bad."<br /><br />The first two <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>Godfather</span> movies were possibly the two greatest films ever made and both are almost certainly in the top five, if one was being particularly harsh. Interestingly, Coppola was almost <span style="font-style: italic;">fired</span> from directing the original because Paramount, and Robert Evans specifically, was unhappy with some of his casting decisions. In particular, Evans hated the casting of Pacino as Michael Corleone and referred to him as "that midget, Pacino." Let that sink in for a moment.<br /><br />It is staggering to think of who MIGHT have played Michael in the film:<br /><br /><ul><li>Ryan O'Neill<br /></li><li>Robert Redford</li><li>Robert DeNiro</li><li>James Caan</li><li>Dustin Hoffman</li><li>Martin Sheen</li></ul>In fact, just watch.<br /><br /><object height="350" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/bjqvcq17HpI"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/bjqvcq17HpI" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="350" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />Also considered to play the role of the Don, were Spencer Tracy and Laurence Olivier. Luckily, Coppola stuck to his guns, casted Pacino and Marlon Brando, and created a masterpiece.<br /><br />Now that I have established his greatness, I must proceed to rip Francis Ford Coppola a new one. I mean, there's <span style="font-style: italic;">Jack<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">, </span></span></span>a movie about a boy who ages at four times the normal rate. So the protagonist, at the age of ten, looks like Robin Williams (poor kid). An abomination, it pushed Robin Williams toward making more sentimental drivel like <span style="font-style: italic;">Bicentenial Man</span>, which, if you think about it, is just <span style="font-style: italic;">Jack</span> but the opposite. For this alone, Coppola deserves some scorn.<br /><br />And then there is the thorny issue of <span style="font-style: italic;">Godfather Part III</span>. It wasn't a <span style="font-style: italic;">bad</span> movie. Really. It just didn't live up to the expectations created by its predecessors, which were two of the greatest films ever created. Still, Coppola deserves some criticism for casting his daughter, Sofia, in a central role as Michael's daughter Mary. To be fair, the first two films were made with a measure of nepotism when Coppola cast his sister, Talia Shire in the role of Connie. The difference is that Shire is a competent actress and, despite the fact that Sofia had been in the original film as the baby in the baptism scenes, well Sofia Coppola was a gawdawful actress. Her woodenness more or less ruined the movie and Francis Ford Coppola deserves a big wagging finger of shame for that.<br /><br />On the other hand, according to George Lucas, Coppola is the inspiration for the character of Han Solo in Star Wars. So that's some redemption.<br /><br />Also at the Oscars this year, in the picture above, Coppola wore a <span style="font-style: italic;">blue</span> tie with his tuxedo and somehow managed to make George Lucas look well-dressed, which is a real accomplishment.<br /><br />Next on the list, one of history's true Renaissance Men-- an artist, engineer, mathematician, inventor, and musician. Sadly, of late his name has been appropriated for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, a shitty novel, and a shittier Tom Hanks movie.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-74668840847211991072007-06-24T23:01:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:51.682-05:00"I've got a bad feeling about this ..."<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn7arYDg1w1VqmOfHogKyTG-StwNgJZC7T4G6siZW07daR7lkVfaGd67QZHpHoTHrPHqZt5YTGydcnwjXTRA7j9VhzYr4XQJ8rP7Yx97OTmA2Btqq4kiuKnREG31oCr2H2d1onXAFVZhgU/s1600-h/Got_A_Bad_feeling.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn7arYDg1w1VqmOfHogKyTG-StwNgJZC7T4G6siZW07daR7lkVfaGd67QZHpHoTHrPHqZt5YTGydcnwjXTRA7j9VhzYr4XQJ8rP7Yx97OTmA2Btqq4kiuKnREG31oCr2H2d1onXAFVZhgU/s400/Got_A_Bad_feeling.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5079848052550848770" border="0" /></a><br />P and F are getting married. After knowing each other a grand total of six months. The headline says it all people. At least if they get divorced in a few years, F will have a close friend who is an attorney. That is if they last to summer of 2010 when I (hopefully) pass the bar. Jesusfucking Christ this is a terrible idea.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-36274522694052026082007-06-23T14:04:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:51.782-05:0050 Cent scares me....<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjylB9QuKFqnZHiDmypLUQ6YKyfKc9Qc3IRFASlYo7FIGoeSFaGu0_GgQzaK-5Jy-jqrfAtuC-6iX758gYUWyablrAiIv52LktHZUlU5uLM0Ad_oV9US-MinnPb6cyC8YH8gEUFQGP56VTi/s1600-h/50+is+scary.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjylB9QuKFqnZHiDmypLUQ6YKyfKc9Qc3IRFASlYo7FIGoeSFaGu0_GgQzaK-5Jy-jqrfAtuC-6iX758gYUWyablrAiIv52LktHZUlU5uLM0Ad_oV9US-MinnPb6cyC8YH8gEUFQGP56VTi/s400/50+is+scary.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5079339356624310514" border="0" /></a><br />I was just at Blockbuster and saw the above magazine cover staring up at me. It was absolutely frightening. I felt the need to share this with you. Why is 50 so angry? It's like he doesn't even really want to be on the cover of Vibe and would much rather prefer showing off his lovely garden on the cover of Redbook.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-9935162673879044462007-06-23T12:37:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:51.929-05:00100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #68 Ian Fleming<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxQV2bTAshU8glQrxuNLvBNX6ZINQJhVwVmj5txTQ9rkfcp1tr8RkgzQFBVzeA6k40cslE81tvxzflqWHpYHLnEgfIYgPz8eom7LKA4-tL5_x5fnBt4X7L428A_hYrcUSo7TdRw1AoS6gb/s1600-h/fleming.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxQV2bTAshU8glQrxuNLvBNX6ZINQJhVwVmj5txTQ9rkfcp1tr8RkgzQFBVzeA6k40cslE81tvxzflqWHpYHLnEgfIYgPz8eom7LKA4-tL5_x5fnBt4X7L428A_hYrcUSo7TdRw1AoS6gb/s400/fleming.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5079317946212339938" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I like James Bond alot. But there's no way I could have done this post justice. So I asked one of my close, personal friends, Grorx, who is a huge Bond fan to do this post. Here now, for the first time, a special guest writer on HialeahCrimson. Enjoy and thanks to Grorx for doing this one!<br /><br /></span>Alexander Fleming is best known for his most enduring creation: Penicillin, which has saved countless lives in the struggle against bacterial infection. His discovery has saved millions of lives in only a few decades, and thus he certainly deserves find his place somewhere<br />amongst the 100 greatest human beings ever.<br /><br />However, it is Ian Fleming that jumps in at the number 68 spot. I am not aware if Ian and Alexander were somehow related, except that their creations are both much more famous than either of them probably ever will be by themselves. Ian is best known for arguably one of the most important fictional characters of the later 20th century: British Secret Service agent, James Bond. <span style="font-style: italic;">[Editor's Note: Alexander Fleming will not be on this list. This should tell you something about this blog.]</span><br /><br />While this claim may come as somewhat of a surprise, it is well known that James Bond is nothing short of a cultural icon. His career began with the first James Bond novel, Casino Royale, published by Fleming in 1953. It became a large success for its day, and was followed by 13<br />other books and collections of short stories. But the phenomenon didn't end there. In 1962, James Bond became big in a way Fleming never would have imagined with the release of Dr. No.<br /><br /><script><!-- D(["mb","has been so durable, that other authors have taken up Fleming\'s mantle\u003cbr /\>and continued writing about the character in new novels, adapting what\u003cbr /\>was certainly a Cold War creation to changing times and political\u003cbr /\>realities. He has also appeared in comic books, radio shows, and video\u003cbr /\>games, not to mention the immeasurable influence he has had on other\u003cbr /\>characters and writers of the spy genre. Even the parodies based on\u003cbr /\>Fleming\'s work, such as Austin Powers and Dr. Evil, have become cultural\u003cbr /\>phenomenons.\u003cbr /\>\u003cbr /\>Why has it struck a tone? I think the answer to this lies within the\u003cbr /\>Western psyche, and a full response would probably include more BS than\u003cbr /\>Medardo would be comfortable with, especially since graduating. Suffice\u003cbr /\>to say, the saying goes that "Men want to be him, and women want to be\u003cbr /\>with him." He has been said to define cool, suave masculinity, and is\u003cbr /\>both tasteful and refined yet fiercely loyal to his passions and not\u003cbr /\>afraid to do what he has to do to get the job done. He is arguably THE\u003cbr /\>Western Hemisphere\'s 20th Century hero AND anti-hero, as one commentary\u003cbr /\>I read on him said he was the kind of guy you wanted on your side but\u003cbr /\>wouldn\'t necessarily bring home to meet the family. Part cowboy and part\u003cbr /\>playboy, He is flawed and perhaps unloved except for his usefulness as a\u003cbr /\>tool.\u003cbr /\>\u003cbr /\>Despite the women and the gadgets, Bond is presented as an excedingly\u003cbr /\>lonely man, especially in the more introspective and darker-themed\u003cbr /\>books. The character is someone based on Fleming\'s own life, born into\u003cbr /\>a minor aristocratic family and sent away early to boarding school,\u003cbr /\>bouncing from school to school and job to job. Though he did not\u003cbr /\>participate in many of the James Bond-type adventures of the second\u003cbr /\>world war, he did work with British Intelligence services. There he met\u003cbr /\>men who would serve as the models for James Bond, and spent his post-war\u003cbr /\>life going between England and his home in Jamaica, named Goldeneye,\u003cbr /\>",1] ); //--></script>James Bond has since become a worldwide phenomenon, with over 20 feature films (and more in the works) starring the character. It is currently the longest continually running english-language film series. If you adjust for inflation, these films have grossed over $11 BILLION, a number certainly fit for a madman's ransom of the world. The character has been so durable, that other authors have taken up Fleming's mantle and continued writing about the character in new novels, adapting what was certainly a Cold War creation to changing times and political realities. He has also appeared in comic books, radio shows, and video games, not to mention the immeasurable influence he has had on other characters and writers of the spy genre. Even the parodies based on Fleming's work, such as Austin Powers and Dr. Evil, have become cultural phenomena.<br /><br />Why has it struck a tone? I think the answer to this lies within the Western psyche, and a full response would probably include more bullshit than Djmmm46 would be comfortable with, especially since graduating. Suffice to say, the saying goes that "Men want to be him, and women want to be with him." He has been said to define cool, suave masculinity, and is both tasteful and refined yet fiercely loyal to his passions and not afraid to do what he has to do to get the job done. He is arguably THE Western Hemisphere's 20th Century hero AND anti-hero, as one commentary I read on him said he was the kind of guy you wanted on your side but wouldn't necessarily bring home to meet the family. Part cowboy and part playboy, He is flawed and perhaps unloved except for his usefulness as a tool.<br /><br /><script><!-- D(["mb","where he wrote. The closest he got to living out real James Bond\u003cbr /\>adventures can be seen in a somewhat-fictionalized film about his life,\u003cbr /\>in which he is played by the son of another high ranking Greatest Human\u003cbr /\>Being of All Time.\u003cbr /\>\u003cbr /\>Furthermore, Fleming also wrote the beloved children\'s book Chitty\u003cbr /\>Chitty Bang Bang, which was made into the famous movie starring Dick Van\u003cbr /\>Dyke. Go figure.\u003cbr /\>\u003cbr /\>\u003ca onclick\u003d\"return top.js.OpenExtLink(window,event,this)\" href\u003d\"http://www.blogwaybaby.com/Chitty%20Chitty%20Bang%20Bang.JPG\" target\u003d_blank\>http://www.blogwaybaby.com\u003cwbr /\>/Chitty%20Chitty%20Bang%20Bang\u003cwbr /\>.JPG\u003c/a\>\u003cbr /\>\u003cbr /\>He would have been 100 years old next year on May 28th, if he hadn\'t\u003cbr /\>died of a heart attack in 1964, the year Goldfinger was released in\u003cbr /\>theaters. He was 56 years old, dying young likely as a result of the\u003cbr /\>luxurious, adventurous lifestyle he both wrote about and lived.\u003cbr /\>\u003c/div\>",0] ); D(["ce"]); //--></script>Despite the women and the gadgets, Bond is presented as an exceedingly lonely man, especially in the more introspective and darker-themed books. The character is someone based on Fleming's own life, born into a minor aristocratic family and sent away early to boarding school, bouncing from school to school and job to job. Though he did not participate in many of the James Bond-type adventures of the Second World War, he did work with British Intelligence services. There he met men who would serve as the models for James Bond, and spent his post-war life going between England and his home in Jamaica, named Goldeneye, where he wrote. The closest he got to living out real James Bond adventures can be seen in a somewhat-fictionalized film about his life, in which he is played by the son of another high ranking Greatest Human Being of All Time.<br /><br />Furthermore, Fleming also wrote the beloved children's book Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, which was made into the famous movie starring Dick Van Dyke.<br /><br />Go figure.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Next on the list, at #67, one of the great film directors of our time, who nearly self indulgently ruined the greatest film series ever by casting his incompetent daughter in a key role in the final film of the trilogy. He would otherwise be much higher.<br /></span>Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-24541439498465333642007-06-23T10:44:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:52.150-05:00100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #69 Ron Jeremy<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIzFfYhD6CUwIEGPM-09oiQGXe7Dz13NilTRQ3tMKJqZ8_bqvFqUs6Xf9x0jb7dtHL-C6EYGsk7EdqPoJe1pe9Gf0cX66_fqxTnl-bMXW65oWTbFr2b4vLpor60f5Lq4izx6FL0aCwhm1u/s1600-h/RJ+Mario.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIzFfYhD6CUwIEGPM-09oiQGXe7Dz13NilTRQ3tMKJqZ8_bqvFqUs6Xf9x0jb7dtHL-C6EYGsk7EdqPoJe1pe9Gf0cX66_fqxTnl-bMXW65oWTbFr2b4vLpor60f5Lq4izx6FL0aCwhm1u/s400/RJ+Mario.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5079292936617775314" border="0" /></a><br />This should surprise no one. Ron Jeremy is, bar none, the most famous and beloved (is that REALLY the right word?) porn star in the world. Some interesting facts about Ron Jeremy:<br /><br /><ul><li>He holds a Master's in, get this, Special Education. He used to teach Special Ed kids before becoming a porn star.</li><li>He went to high school with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Winslow">Carl Winslow</a></li><li>He can ejaculate on command, which is pretty amazing.</li><li>He is a brown belt in Kung Fu. In other words, Ron Jeremy can probably kick your ass.</li><li>He was in <span style="font-style: italic;">Boondock Saints</span> and has tried to expand his career into mainstream acting, bad standup comedy, and apparently, condiments.</li></ul><object height="350" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/InNsxJPSGiY"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/InNsxJPSGiY" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="350" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br />Note that I had to perilously Google "Ron Jeremy hot sauce" to find that, so appreciate this post. Also if you haven't seen <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0282856/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy</span></a>, I strongly recommend you give it a go. The film itself is not pornographic. It's a pretty standard documentary and Jeremy comes across as an extremely sympathetic figure.<br /><br />So there it is-- Ron Jeremy, the 69th Greatest Human Being Who Ever Lived. If you're not happy about this you're probably either a feminazi or a fundy Christian. Either way this blog is NOT for you, so fuck off.<br /><br />Next on the list, number 68, the creator of the very definition of cool, the suavest fictional spy ever beheld by man. That's gotta count for something.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-80921736345900052082007-06-22T23:09:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:52.306-05:00100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #70 Abraham Lincoln<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQLhrxAKNk2bEoy9NXmMssx0FZaL6158I6F6z_zx1LVOhmt_Pfs9N9ZSv_FwUiPYlppNRIxqLI98U0XAy7HfWr52EpixGSOuLmexhAuuWmX5BenwT6P-zptuFYBf-dcf2T8Wizz8Tz8fYk/s1600-h/lincoln_torso.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQLhrxAKNk2bEoy9NXmMssx0FZaL6158I6F6z_zx1LVOhmt_Pfs9N9ZSv_FwUiPYlppNRIxqLI98U0XAy7HfWr52EpixGSOuLmexhAuuWmX5BenwT6P-zptuFYBf-dcf2T8Wizz8Tz8fYk/s400/lincoln_torso.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5079113119221993666" border="0" /></a><br />If this blog was serious, I'd say Abraham Lincoln was the Greatest President this Republic has ever been lucky enough to elect at just the right time, put him in the top three and call it a night. But we don't do serious here, and so here he is at number 70, sandwiched between a baseball writer and .... well let's just say you won't be surprised by who comes in at #69. So take this all with a grain of salt, people.<br /><br />George Washington was, as I have noted, incredibly important to the United States. If he'd been slightly different, perhaps more ambitious, the country and government would likely be completely different in its form. Having said that, Lincoln was a "greater" president because of the circumstances. While Lincoln's reasons for prosecuting the Civil War had less to do with freeing slaves and more to do with keeping the country together, it doesn't diminish his accomplishments. At the end of the war, the slaves were free, and the Union was preserved. This IS a big deal.<br /><br />Let's not forget that Lincoln inherited a country in REALLY bad shape. I mean, you think the Democrats were pissed at Bush in 2000? <a href="http://www.multied.com/elections/1860Pop.html">Lincoln was elected with merely 40% of the popular vote and wasn't even on the ballot in nine of the states. NOT EVEN ONE LOUSY VOTE in the then nascent GOP's column in those states.</a> Then people got so pissed off they took up arms against the government. The magnitude of this situation cannot be overstated.<br /><br />Lincoln rules though because he was more than just the best leader this country has ever seen. He was an amazing writer, and the Gettysberg Address is still extremely eloquent and something of a humorist in addition to a remarkably cunning politician. On top of all of this, this man was probably a manic-depressive who with the weight of the world and the fears and hopes of a nation pressing down upon his shoulders somehow managed to buckle down during this country's darkest hour and keep from putting a bullet in his own hea.... oh damn, that was inappropriate. Well uhmmm.... they named Lincoln Logs for him.<br /><br />Anyway, next on the list #69. 'Nuff Said. Just you wait for it.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-37471113336760696762007-06-22T22:28:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:52.453-05:00100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #71 Peter Gammons<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnyL8rAV9yY9H7-Kmwt8SOmefXLDIZfcj_YZXRE-TzBbIqb9rkuSnvOMInU5LcZWOA4bE3fLQFLGH736f3xw1YBIiCoXxeOAvqTLz_GnoX3JJtqqL6qn3ob15yKD8EikQUSgc1ggbUej3i/s1600-h/Gammons.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnyL8rAV9yY9H7-Kmwt8SOmefXLDIZfcj_YZXRE-TzBbIqb9rkuSnvOMInU5LcZWOA4bE3fLQFLGH736f3xw1YBIiCoXxeOAvqTLz_GnoX3JJtqqL6qn3ob15yKD8EikQUSgc1ggbUej3i/s400/Gammons.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5079102429048393906" border="0" /></a><br />I start law school on 13 August, 2007. Can I get this done before then without sacrificing quality? We'll see.<br /><br />Peter Gammons checks in on this list at #71. He is the best sportswriter I have ever read not only because he is a good writer and is probably the best connected person in Major League Baseball. He is incredibly enthusiastic about the game and it really comes across, not only in his columns but also in his on air presentations on ESPN. Also he plays guitar, loves indy rock, and cut an album to benefit the Jimmy Fund, which is kind of cool and random in and of itself.<br /><br />And now let's jump into the Way Back Machine for Personal Anecdote Time!!!<br /><br />It was October of 2003, and I was covering the ALCS at Fenway Park for Harvard radio. I got to the park extra early, maybe three or four hours before the scheduled first pitch and I saw Peter Gammons in one of the concourses of this empty ballpark and he was working. He was making calls, writing emails, and generally trying to get things done. In between calls, I approached him and timidly and meekly asked if he'd give me a few minutes of his time for an interview. He politely told me that he was very busy and on a deadline at the moment but would be happy to talk to me a little bit later.<br /><br />He kept his promise and, it just so happened that the game was rain-delayed. As we were waiting to get word as to whether the game would be played that night (it was eventually postponed) he allowed me to interview him in the Boston Red Sox dugout. He spoke knowledgeably, enthusiastically, and articulately about baseball and sports journalism and when he was done, he recorded a small promotional legal identification for our radio station.<br /><br />None of this was unexpected. After all he was a major contributor to the World Wide Leader in Sports and eventually would be honored by the Hall of Fame for his writing. However what did strike me was something that I did not think about until later. At the beginning of the interview, when we exchanged the standard pleasantries of the radio interview, i.e. "I'm here with Peter Gammons. How are you today, Peter?", he replied that he was fine but that he really was hoping the game would start. He was disappointed that it was raining.<br /><br />Lest you think I am making a mountain out of a molehill, bear in mind that this man has covered Major League Baseball games for thirty years. He is at the World Series every year and has never appeared to be in awe by the superstars of Major League Baseball. Still, he was disappointed. Here was a man who should probably be jaded, who has forgotten more about professional athletes than any of us know, and yet he was still enthusiastic about what it was all about.<br /><br />Peter Gammons is not only the best at what he does. He is a man who appears to truly love what he does, and seems to recognize how lucky he is to do it. We should all be so lucky.<br /><br />Next time, the 70th Greatest Human Being Who Ever Lived, the signer of the Emancipation Proclamation, Liberator of the Slaves, Savior of the Union, and, most importantly of all, the Eponym of the Lincoln Logs.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-37123892315232814232007-06-22T19:27:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:52.510-05:00Pentecostals disturbing me...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAx2_s2I6nd7UCrocYqzInJ5vpu7rmxLQevQKg-f_TaIeUe2-eShzyqJRWd4K1IQT4ifmidhKhn_4-Iy7jxYNY_GFMPiYw2PsR23FtTgFVluV-i-DwPSI7pXdHz2UDp0tPnfNAA-KWT9KO/s1600-h/cgon187l.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAx2_s2I6nd7UCrocYqzInJ5vpu7rmxLQevQKg-f_TaIeUe2-eShzyqJRWd4K1IQT4ifmidhKhn_4-Iy7jxYNY_GFMPiYw2PsR23FtTgFVluV-i-DwPSI7pXdHz2UDp0tPnfNAA-KWT9KO/s400/cgon187l.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5079054660422127778" border="0" /></a><br />As readers of this blog will know, I am a committed atheist. I believe that all religion, superstition, and belief in the paranormal is a crock. I also feel that if you want to believe something stupid that's your own problem, so long as you keep it to yourself. Having said that, I have some concerns that I hope to vent a little on this blog.<br /><br />I have a very close and personal friend (close enough that I don't feel my concern is a result of my being nosy) who is dating someone who is a practicing Pentecostal. Let us call the friend "F" and the Pentecostal significant other "P". F was raised a Roman Catholic and has often stated that they are not particularly religious and don't really feel a need to participate in organized religion. Recently (about six to seven months ago) F and P started dating. P got F to go to church with P and P's family and now F is attending church with P several times a week including Sunday services that last three hours. This church is pretty standard Pentecostal fare and, I am told, includes speaking in tongues and people passing out in the aisles. If you're interested in learning a little more about this sect of Christianity, read more <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pentecostalism">here.</a><br /><br />Now all of this is good and well and I wouldn't even mind normally because, hey it's something to make fun of. However, I recently learned that this church encourages tithing and F is donating ten percent of their paycheck to this church every week. For the record, F is a full-time student who works a decent paying job part-time and lives with their parents. In other words, F is far from self-sufficient. I find this development profoundly distressing and am not sure how to approach it. I've REALLY thought this through and have concluded that my concern is far from nosy and is merited.<br /><br />So I appeal to you, my dear readers, to guide me. I know I've been incredibly delinquent in updating to this blog, but please, if you have any advice on how I can best approach my dear friend, please post an anonymous comment. It would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading, and apologies for excising gender-specific pronouns, as I think this may have made my writing a little awkward, but is well worth it to protect the identities of the parties involved.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-63901466402861094892007-05-29T23:27:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:52.639-05:00Pirates of the Caribean is a big silly mess of a movie<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1lS_znuKtTTRSosqXOlsED_zGfFKX5EueNDuPb67FgaKn784-ZAzjvW94ZOm8Ij81h147HW79epohNMz4UTFZpt86K3gGRBvZmgybU08ya4ZD83xqHd9Q2eqTYKsHoPYUMbs03pg2m2bF/s1600-h/Pirates+3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1lS_znuKtTTRSosqXOlsED_zGfFKX5EueNDuPb67FgaKn784-ZAzjvW94ZOm8Ij81h147HW79epohNMz4UTFZpt86K3gGRBvZmgybU08ya4ZD83xqHd9Q2eqTYKsHoPYUMbs03pg2m2bF/s400/Pirates+3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5070210782396491954" border="0"></a><br />And I'm perfectly fine with that. I had adjusted my expectations for it after the following two reviews from friends and readers of this blog:<br /><br /><ul><li>"It sucked Kraken balls."</li><li>"Didn't make any sense, bad dialogue, no ending."</li></ul><br />First things first. The author of the first review is a malcontent who wouldn't recognize a fun movie if it got naked, painted itself purple, jumped on top of a piano and started singing "Fun Movies Are Here Again."<br /><br />The author of the second review... well honestly she's a bit more of a friend of a friend, and I guess I respect her opinion. I certainly agree with her review, at least the first two parts of it. Parts of the movie made no sense whatsoever, and some of the dialogue was almost George Lucas level bad, though I think the ending was fine. Having said that, I disagree with the conclusion-- that the movie sucked. <font style="font-style: italic;">At World's End</font> is a mess of a movie. But then again so was <font style="font-style: italic;">Dead Man's Chest</font> and, albeit to a lesser degree, so was <font style="font-style: italic;">Curse of the Black Pearl</font>. I will grant that I did not think it was quite as good as the first two films, I did not think it was bad in the way that <font style="font-style: italic;">Spider-man 3</font> was (that goddamn jazz club/<font style="font-style: italic;">West Side Story</font> sequence was GAWDAWFUL and more or less single-handedly ruined the movie for me). It's still a rollicking good time (a long one too, so be sure to take a piss and a dump, if necessary, before the movie starts) and be sure to stick around after the credits. The first two films had a short scene, post-credits, and the third film is no exceptionNoel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-63764843649035845822007-04-28T17:32:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:52.807-05:00100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #72 George Washington<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRcNc4Y8B25333ZsG4UJb_ZHNgdojr8Zl9_KIQcZDHadwwfK8FTvJCmhojMpju5XI29ksR3e8ITzWi0PQ2_GqNuejo-B3eXwrhsBgJUpxK8bUeEEO0rIgTTgwt6bWF6IdLmtWLuV9_5QcQ/s1600-h/great+white+at+delaware+crossing.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRcNc4Y8B25333ZsG4UJb_ZHNgdojr8Zl9_KIQcZDHadwwfK8FTvJCmhojMpju5XI29ksR3e8ITzWi0PQ2_GqNuejo-B3eXwrhsBgJUpxK8bUeEEO0rIgTTgwt6bWF6IdLmtWLuV9_5QcQ/s400/great+white+at+delaware+crossing.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5058620559263295602" border="0" /></a><br />The first serious person on this list, he probably actually deserves to be alot higher than here, but this is supposed to be fun and arbitrary so here comes George Washington at #72.<br /><br />I think the most interesting thing about George Washington is the incredible mound of bullshit mythology that surrounds him. He might (seriously) be the most important figure in American history but alot of what many Americans think they know about him is purely fabricated. Among some of the more obvious and not-so obvious myths:<br /><br /><ul><li><span style="font-style: italic;">George Washington once threw a silver dollar across the Potomac River.</span> The river is a mile wide at Mount Vernon. Nolan Fucking Ryan couldn't throw a silver dollar across the Potomac River.</li><li><span style="font-style: italic;">That stupid cherry tree story. </span> A dude named Parson Weems just made it up. That's right, the "I cannot tell a lie" story is complete and unadulterated bullshit.</li><li><span style="font-style: italic;">He wore wooden false teeth.</span> Not true, though he did have teeth made of lead and hippo bones. This is actually even cooler than wooden teeth if you ask me.<br /></li><li><span style="font-style: italic;">He knelt in prayer during the dark, cold winter at Valley Forge.</span> To me, this is the most egregious of these myths. Washington was extremely private about his religion, conspicuously silent on Christianity. He was almost certainly NOT a Christian and you can read more about it <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Moral-Minority-Skeptical-Founding-Fathers/dp/1566636752/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-3215780-5200841?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1177800830&sr=8-1">in this book, <span style="font-style: italic;">Moral Minority</span>, by Brooke Allen</a>.</li></ul>Washington's influence, though much of it might have something to do with the mythology built up around him by the likes of Parson Weems, has resonated on down through the last 208 years since his death in 1799. He set examples in his presidency that continue to be followed today.<br /><br />Finally, I think any discussion about Washington would be incomplete without mention of his skills as a general. Let's face facts, folks-- George Washington was a bad motherfucker. He was so bad, that the Iroquois took to calling him Devourer of Villages after they bumped heads with him in the French and Indian War and then again in the Revolution.<br /><br />Next on the list, the best writer in the history of baseball. Also a really nice dude.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9165656623679656328.post-45963273923629207302007-04-23T13:53:00.000-05:002008-11-13T12:25:53.127-05:00Oh snap! Boris Yeltsin croaked!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwUhye4wN3iIsRzKh5TXBKS1U42Ha_LqY1lgNgggsFEV90Ukc4nijsskRvNvjcwm-iBvArqc7xFALmpTCq0sjcxBIag8jFqtRbbQIOXSNIZOFpay0RV8VmPNo0yncCm7p70CZ4FtEHh2aT/s1600-h/pulitzer_boris_yeltsin_russian_elections_L.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwUhye4wN3iIsRzKh5TXBKS1U42Ha_LqY1lgNgggsFEV90Ukc4nijsskRvNvjcwm-iBvArqc7xFALmpTCq0sjcxBIag8jFqtRbbQIOXSNIZOFpay0RV8VmPNo0yncCm7p70CZ4FtEHh2aT/s400/pulitzer_boris_yeltsin_russian_elections_L.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5056699927071354754" border="0" /></a><br />The first democratically elected president of Russia is dead. I just thought this was worth mentioning. Yeltsin played an instrumental role in bringing the Soviet Union to its death and deserves a little tip of the hat here.Noel Harrisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13389431854149281568noreply@blogger.com1