I ran across this while scanning IMDB for...well, I honestly have no idea why I scan IMDB anymore.
Borgnine: 'Acting Keeps Me Alive'
Movie veteran Ernest Borgnine refuses to retire from movies, claiming acting has helped him live to the age of 91.
The Oscar winner is still as busy as ever and has three new films out in 2008.
And Borgnine claims some of his late contemporaries may still be alive if they'd carried on working.
He says, "These guys who say, 'I can't wait to retire. Hot dog!' And after about a week they're ready to pull their hair out. Keep busy and you'll stay younger and healthier, and you'll be around a hell of a lot longer."
That, of course, stands in stark contradiction to what he said just the other day on that bastion of idiocy, Fox & Friends:
Which is it, Borgnine? Acting or masturbating? I mean, it can't possibly be both, can it? Can I dare to dream...
You know what? Whatever. Either way, I'm looking at fifty-fifty odds that I'll live forever. In the meantime, enjoy the trailer to a badass Ernest Borgnine film I saw yesterday:
By the way, that'd be Howard Hughes's favorite movie. It also has absolutely no women in it. Those facts may be connected.
So apparently this place is evolving into Movie Review Central. I've been meaning to get to this for some time now, and now Archie has kind of thrown down the gauntlet. I think I'll start with...
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal TurdSkull
The last good moment in this fucking movie. And it's about ten minutes into the film.
I have not been so disappointed since I lost my virginity. Much like that experience, this film was very much anticipated, I had relatively low expectations, and even those low expectations were not even met. I sort of steadfastly avoid reading reviews before seeing a movie I'm really looking forward to. I like to go in as fresh as possible and form my own opinion without being biased by what some asshole from The New York Times or the Village Voice thinks about the movie. Having said that, I did go into the movie with two fears:
That Harrison Ford's oldness was going to be distracting as to make the film shitty.
George Lucas's involvement was going to make the film even shittier.
Let's face it. George Lucas might be the most massively overrated filmmaker in Hollywood. He's made maybe ONE good film on his own. I'm not bothering with George's filmography, but if I've overlooked something, let me know in the comments. Anyway, as it turned out, Harrison Ford's age was the subject of a couple of mediocre jokes but it was surprisingly not distracting at all. That said, the rest of the film was shit.
There were three terrible signs right away. First, the fucking CGI prairie dogs. What... the ... fuck? Next the pointless sort-of-drag race with the army trucks and the teenagers over the opening credits and Elvis. Elvis is fine. But what the fuck? Raiders opened with dudes in the jungle, which was cool. Temple of Doom opened with a musical number in a dinner club, which was kind of lame, but still not sucky and set the atmosphere for the opening bit of the movie. And Last Crusade opened with Young Indy in the desert being a bad young dude. This had absolutely nothing to do with anything except to tell us, Hey it's the fifties! Which you could have done with a fucking caption anyway!
Finally, the ultimate terrible sign of unfettered badness: Story by Some Dude & George Lucas. This was when I realized, oh shit, this might REALLY fucking suck.
And it did.
Grade: F-minus-minus.
The Incredible Hulk
Here's a hint, Hollywood: if you're doing a movie that was a beloved 1970s TV show first, it probably won't be a bad idea to try to evoke it in your film.
A few years ago, when Ang Lee's Hulk came out, I was legitimately enthused. Hulk is probably my favorite character of the Marvel Universe, which probably says something about me being pretty passive aggressive. Anyway, I was looking forward to it. In fact, when I saw it with my girlfriend at the time, we left the theatre trying desperately to talk ourselves into it. Has anyone else ever done this? You leave the theatre knowing deep down that a movie was terrible, but because you were so amped to see it, and you paid 10 bucks a pop, you start making excuses. Excuses like, "The special effects were alright. It wasn't distracting or anything." and "The Hulk jumping around was kinda cool." and the ultimate excuse of all, "Well, the sequel will be alot better because they got the boring origin stuff out of the way." It actually took about two months before we were admitting to ourselves and each other, "Yeah it was garbage."
That said, I went into The Incredible Hulk with relatively tempered expectations. I didn't even expect it to be good. Just okay. I went in expecting the Hulk to look a little fake-ish, and I didn't anticipate much more than a big dumb summer popcorn movie. My expectations were actually surpassed.
What did this film do right? First of all, the casting was pretty spot on. Ed Norton just works as Banner, and Liv Tyler, gorgeous as she is, just seems to work better as a scientist/nerdboy-dream-come-true than Jennifer Connelly did in the other film. Secondly, and I think this is a major problem with most superhero movies, The Incredible Hulk serves as a reboot to the franchise but doesn't rehash the origin story except briefly and with no dialogue over the opening credits and through some dialogue throughout the film. There's so little of it and it's so subtle, that you barely even notice that it's there. Let's face it, folks, if you're going in to watch a movie called The Incredible Hulk you either already know the backstory, or you're going with someone who can sum it up in three sentences. Incidentally, I went with a girl who didn't know ANYTHING about the Hulk before the movie, and after a very brief explanation early on (along the lines of "Bruce mad, Bruce change, Bruce smash") she seemed to enjoy the film quite alot.
Someone on some blog somewhere (sorry to whoever it is that I'm ripping off here; if you know who it is, mention it in the comments and I'll link) mentioned that The Incredible Hulk is basically a remake of Spider-man. In a way, I think this is correct. It is a movie about an ordinary man who has uncontrollable god-like power accidentally thrust upon him. Much of the film is about the hero refusing to acknowledge the power as his and actively looking to get rid of it. In the end, Banner realizes that with great power comes great responsibility, whether we want that power or not.
The Incredible Hulk succeeds not because it's a particularly good movie. It isn't really. It's just very competent. It knows what kind of film it is and doesn't try to be anything more or less. Unlike Indiana Jones, The Incredible Hulk doesn't try to blow you away; it just doesn't fuck the easy things up.
What does it say about the state of movies that the standard for "good movie" is basic competence?
There will be spoilers. To be honest, I'm not sure whether knowing them ahead of time would really detract from one's enjoyment of the film, but I'll flag them or something when the time comes. Because I'm cool like that.
If I can start with a digression (is that even logically possible?), my first big reaction to Wanted was, "Huh...is this really the first Angelina Jolie movie I've ever seen?" For all the fact that Jolie is a humanitarian, a paparazzi super-target, a reformed(?) psychopath, and quite possibly the only celebrity I could legitimately see starting a new career as an international jewel thief, I spent quite a bit of Wanted finding myself confused by the very idea of Angelina Jolie actually appearing in a movie. A character actress she most certainly isn't.
Scanning her IMDB filmography, I was wrong. I've seen two Angelina Jolie films before this: Shark Tale, an inoffensive movie in the Shrek mold where she probably had a decent role, and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, a film probably most notable as the precursor of more polished green screen extravaganzas like 300 and Sin City. It also could have been notable as the film to start the trend of using archive footage of dead actors, but despite a noble effort by Superman Returns that hasn't quite caught on yet.
In a weird quirk that I find weird and everyone else will likely find boring, both Shark Tale and Sky Captain were released in 2004. Four years later, her two big films are Wanted and Kung Fu Panda, in which she has a minor (if featured) role. I fully intend to see Kung Fu Panda at some point, if only because much like Billy Batson shouting "Shazam!" turns him into Captain Marvel, Jack Black shouting "Squadoosh" turns me into a gibbering eight-year-old desperate to give Dreamworks money. So yeah, for whatever reason, every four years produces two Angelina Jolie movies I want to see, one an animated movie and another one that might as well be. So yeah, I should be on the lookout in 2012, I guess, when I imagine she'll be appearing in Piggy Hamlet: A Porker of a Revenge and an adaptation of Grant Morrison's "everything ever is absolutely true" mega-mindfuck The Invisibles. Of course, she'll be playing Lord Fanny, "the Brazilian transgendered shaman." Can't fucking wait. Hell, if all goes according to plan, I'll be writing and directing.
Sorry for the disturbingly AiCN-style transgression, but I had a bit of a hidden agenda behind my babbling. As you might have noticed from my somewhat forced Captain Marvel analogy and the reference to The Invisibles, I can say without fear of contradiction that I know my fucking comics. Sadly, I haven't read Wanted, which puts me in the relatively unusual position of being a massive comic book nerd with no knowledge of the source material (although that isn't a million miles away from how I approached Iron Man, truth be told, and certainly that was the case with 300, so maybe not all that unusual). Point is, I know comics. And, to be honest, Wanted didn't really feel like much of a comic book movie. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing.
Look, I'm going nowhere here. I know it, and now, since I just told you, I imagine you know it as well. So let me reduce Wanted to a simple equation...
Fight Club + Shoot 'Em Up + Mark Millar's Insanity = Wanted
The film borrows a number of similar stylistic quirks from Fight Club in setting up James McAvoy as a go-nowhere working class schlub, and it's here where the film probably suffers the most from the comparison. Director Timur Bekmambetov is a highly proficient action director, but he lacks some of David Fincher's visual genius and ability to make disparate quirks cohere into something bigger. As much as McAvoy is really rather good in the role, his narration is the weak link in his performance, and 2008 James McAvoy has nothing on 1999 Edward Norton. (2008 Edward Norton might be another issue entirely.)
That isn't to say Wanted is in any sense a ripoff of Fight Club, but anyone who has seen both films - and I'm guessing there's a substantial overlap within the film's intended demographic - can't help but make the connection, at least in the first thirty minutes. After that, it heads into the sort of gleefully over-the-top, ultraviolent giddiness that has become male moviegoers' leading guilty pleasure. It's fun, it's (intentionally) hilarious, and it's got Angelina Jolie's naked ass in it. Not a bad haul.
I already said James McAvoy is good, and the cast in general is strong, although this certainly isn't a movie that demands much from its thespians. I'm hard-pressed to name a standout, but that doesn't really hurt the film. Like I said, the point of the film is to be badass, and by and large it delivers.
If there is a big problem with the film, it's the plot. It can be reduced to two sentences, which will be separated by some helpful spoiler space. Before I do so, if you're still on the fence about this film, I can say this: if you enjoy adrenaline-fueled visual spectacle, this film is a very reasonable choice. It's a great summer movie, which really only means it's a good movie, but whatever. Anyway, if you've already seen it or don't mind being spoiled (I'd contend it doesn't make much of a difference, but it's your call), you may keep reading.
*AHEM*
James McAvoy is recruited and trained by a fraternity of assassins to kill an evil rogue agent.
OK, now your spoiler space. Because I'm an asshole, I'll fill it with an unflattering picture of James McAvoy.
And now for the second sentence.
*AHEM*
James McAvoy finds out the evil rogue agent was really a good guy (not to mention his father) and that Morgan Freeman is evil, leading him to kill every last motherfucker in the fraternity, apart from Angelina Jolie, who obligingly does the job herself.
Well, that's basically it. Jolie actually kills a bunch of other assassins as well before ultimately offing herself by firing a bullet in a perfect circle (man, that just makes me feel dumb just typing that out), but whatever. As far as plots go, this is pretty bog-standard. Dude finds traitor, finds out traitor isn't traitor, and then takes his revenge. Even if I hadn't seen the red-band trailer where Morgan Freeman says "motherfucker", which is a sure sign he's evil, I'm pretty sure I could have guessed that a mile away.
And that's the essential problem. It's a film about super-assassins, and yet the film almost completely eschews even the slightest shade of gray. Sure, there's a little rationalization of the "needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" variety, but the film has clear heroes and clear villains, instead of what it really should have: a bunch of fucked up assassins who have convinced themselves this is OK.
I hate armchair rewrites of movies, where reviewers give their own half-assed ideas for how the film should have gone. So I will, of course, do precisely that. Either the film should have made a bigger issue of the morality of its characters' actions, painting things not as heroes and villains but instead as a bunch of antiheroes, OR the film should have embraced the Shoot 'Em Up route of pure adrenaline milkshake. Which is something, truth be told, I would have drank. The milkshake, I mean. I'm making a There Will Be Blood reference, people. Do try to keep up.
Stuck in the middle as it is, the film's plot feels so half-assed that it detracts a little from the admittedly ridiculously entertaining action. Which is a shame really, because I suspect either alternative direction coupled with this level of talent could have unleashed a transcendent motion picture. Oh well. Still fun though. Especially when the film's ultimate struggle is between Mr. Tumnus and the dude who drove Miss Daisy. That's pretty fucking spectacular.
Overall Grade: B
Note: Sorry that this post was so meandering. I'll try harder next time to keep things streamlined. To be honest, though, I know you can get a review of Wanted pretty much anywhere, so I thought I might more focus on my own impressions and random takeaway points. Make of that what you will.
Since I've recently been non-ironically watching a lot of shitty action movies, I'm just going to go ahead and extrapolate from my own life - non-ironically watching shitty action movies is the latest hip trend! Everybody's doing it! Everybody! Woo!
Whether that's true or not, it seems relatively fair to say that, in an age of neutered action movies (for fuck's sake, John McClane didn't even get his signature catchphrase off properly in the last Die Hard entry), there's something reassuring about films that don't mess around when it comes to the whole sex and violence thing. Well, mostly violence. The concept of Arnold Schwarzenegger actually engaging in coitus is a little disturbing. But still, that's there too. And profanity. Lots of beautiful, beautiful profanity. And where can we find such films? The eighties, mostly, although one should never underestimate the early nineties as the rich vein of shitty action movies that we all know it to be. Exhibit A: Steven Seagal's classic environtacular, On Deadly Ground...
You know, it's one thing to watch Predator or Total Recall and say you're an action fan; those movies are, after all, pretty damn good. But On Deadly Ground? This movie is pretty much the epitome of something that has to be seen to be believed. It's in the conversation for being the most insane, most bizarrely misguided film ever made. It's an utterly unbelievable mix of Commando and An Inconvenient Truth that throws in the least convincing group of villains in history just for laughs. It's that terrible and, thus, it's that good.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not some ironic post-modern douche bag who can only enjoy bad movies ironically. No, I enjoy shitty movies completely earnestly. If I can crib a little from my main man Nathan Rabin over at the A.V. Club, there's something breathtaking about films that, despite the obvious lack of even the most basic understanding of what makes movies good, are so feverishly, psychotically inspired that every ensuing sequence seems to build its own hypnotic, ridiculous momentum. It's watching movies through the looking glass, people, and it's incredible if you're willing to go all-in. I know On Deadly Ground is a piece of shit. That doesn't mean it isn't a tremendous film. This is the sort of movie that happens when Steven Seagal stars, produces, directs, and quite probably rewrites much of the script. That really should say it all.
But still, the title of this was "Stuff you should watch", so I will continue to make my case. Since I can't be fucking bothered to actually write my own damn summary of the plot, I'll let IMDB take care of it:
Forrest Taft is an environmental agent who works for the Aegis Oil Company in Alaska. Aegis Oil's corrupt CEO, Michael Jennings, is the kind of person who doesn't care whether or not oil spills into the ocean or onto the land, just as long as it's making money for him. He even makes commercials that make him look like he cares about the environment. Jennings is almost finished with building his new state-of-the art oil rig: AEGIS-1. The problem is that if he doesn't finish building the rig in thirteen days, the land rights will be returned to the Eskimos and the Alaskan government. When Jennings finds out that Taft's best friend Hugh Palmer has a computer disk that contains information about defective equipment on AEGIS-1, he sends out his goons to murder Palmer. When Taft tries to interfere, Jennings tries to kill Taft. But an Eskimo woman named Masu, who introduces Taft to her father Silook, the chief of her tribe, rescues Taft. With Masu's help, Taft begins a trek through the Alaskan wilderness, heading straight for AEGIS-1 and to destroy it before it destroys all of the forest.
Yeah, sure, why not? With that out of the way, I will now present seven compelling reasons to convince you to drop whatever the fuck it is you're doing (especially you, brain surgeons who are currently operating) and go see On Deadly Ground. Why seven reasons? Because I don't have the energy to do ten. Why a lame-ass list? Because I'm too fucking lazy to keep myself organized otherwise, that's why.
1. Michael Caine
Hey, you remember that rich Texan oilman bastard Michael Jennings? You know, the guy who "even makes commercials that make him look like he cares about the environment"? I know, right? What a bastard! Anyway, that guy is played by Michael Caine, whose unconvincing dye job is only surpassed by his unconvincing Texas accent. But still, since it's Michael Caine, you immediately know two things:
A. Much like Sean Connery, Michael Caine will appear in literally anything if you pay him enough. B. Even when he obviously couldn't give two shits about the piece of shit he's in, he still acts circles around everyone else.
And no, I'm not at all biased by the fact that he's half of my pseudonym. Don't believe me? Well how about we just check out that commercial of his...
How can he be evil? He records such sweet commercials! Anyway, yeah, he tries to kill Steven Seagal. Big mistake. Speaking of which...
2. Standing up for tolerance by indiscriminately beating the crap out of white people
Steven Seagal shows his skull-busting chops early and often in a pool hall fight scene that redefines the word "lopsided." Honestly, half of his opponents look about sixty. So yeah, that's a fair fight. Still, he's standing up for the native Alaskans, so no one can say his cause isn't just.
If you watch all the way to the end, you'll be treated to the following life-altering exchange...
Forrest Taft: What does it take...what does it take to change the essence of a man? Racist dude he just viciously beat the shit out of: Time. I need...time...to change.
Socrates's corpse just shat itself, because that is some fucking profound wisdom right there.
3. R. Lee Ermey paying Seagal some motherfucking respect
When you want to prove the hero is for real, you get R. Lee Ermey to launch into an extended metaphor on just how badass he is. Ermey could make the phonebook sound like an ultra-macho killing machine and somehow imply I'm gay, so the following little monologue is fucking child's play for the drill sergeant turned surprisingly talented character actor:
I think I just found what's going on my tombstone. I also need to change my pants. For many, many reasons.
4. The most beautiful, poetic dialogue ever written
You want to know what the first big line Steven Seagal says is? The line that pretty much establishes his character for the rest of the movie? Our most formative introduction to him? Yeah, it's this:
"For 350,000 dollars I'd fuck anything once!"
If that isn't poetry, then Dylan Thomas can go fuck himself. Here are some other beauties credited writers Ed Horowitz and Robin Russin can proudly stick on their resumes:
"You wanna know who he is? Try this: delve down into the deepest bowels of your soul. Try to imagine the ultimate fucking nightmare. And that won't come close to that son of a bitch when he gets pissed."
"Well, let's see, that's natives 8, oil workers 0. Anyone else wanna play with Cupcake?"
"Who's this? Is this the slope bitch you've been banging?" "Nah. Not her." "Is this the one who's got you all concerned about the dirty snow? Jesus, Forrest! You and me, we bought hookers better than this for five bucks in Bangkok!"
Seriously, I'm weeping a little just copying and pasting those.
5. Billy Bob Thornton doing Michael Cera before there was Michael Cera
Late in the film, a chubby, pre-Sling-Blade Billy Bob Thornton shows up as Ermey's chief lieutenant in the hunt for Forrest Taft. For some unknown reason, he decides to play his part with the sort of halting, awkwardly self-obsessed delivery that has given many a comedy lover a man-crush on Michael Cera. Seriously, take the following lines of dialogue on the properly manly way to use a machine gun...
Billy Bob: Well, what do you think? Stock in or out?
Some other dude: I don't think it's going to make much difference.
Billy Bob: Well, I do, see. 'Cause when it's out I kinda feel like a pussy, you know what I'm saying. And when it's in, it just feels like, I don't know, meaner or something and when I kill the son of a bitch I wanna feel good about myself. I wanna feel solid.
...and just imagine Michael Cera reading those lines. That's just as accurate as any YouTube clip. It's absolutely fucking hysterical. And, at the risk of another tired segue, speaking of hysterical...
6. John C. McGinley as the world's least effective torturer
Anyone who has seen Scrubs (and I unfortunately have to plead guilty on that count) knows John C. McGinley is a pretty awesome motherfucker. He's also pretty much Rear Admiral of the USS Intensity. I mean, pretty much. Unfortunately, his trademark barely contained rage doesn't really work when given this script, resulting in the most manically useless torturer in history. Sent to extract information from a sexagenarian (that means sixty-something, you pervert) oil-worker, he quickly falls prey to the old man's singularly unimpressive reverse psychology, collapsing into the sort of comebacks that seem tired on elementary school playgrounds, let alone an enhanced interrogation situation. In lieu of a clip, here's the dialogue in question...
McGinley: You'd better quit while you're ahead, Hugh! Know what I'm saying? While you can still play marbles. Where are the disks? Where are the books? Old dude: Fuck you! McGinley: Fuck me? No, FUCK YOU! [Other henchman breaks Hugh's second finger (Hugh is the old dude).] McGinley: Hugh. Old dude: Go to hell! McGinley: OK. OK. I'll go to hell!
He then proceeds to open up the old dude's kitchen cabinets and break all his dishes. That is his big contribution to the torture, whereas the other henchman is methodically breaking the old dude's fingers. So yeah, that's pretty fucking spectacular.
7. Steven Seagal explains environmentalism!
I wasn't kidding when I said this was Commando meets An Inconvenient Truth. After a whole shit ton of deaths - which, because I'm a nice guy, I'll show you right now...
...anyway after that - Steven Seagal proceeds to explain to the world just why oil companies are evil. Sadly, the scene does not appear to be available anywhere on the series of tubes - oil company conspiracy, yes? - but IMDB has the complete speech on its quotes page. It's a full twenty-one lines of solid text. It apparently was eleven minutes long in the original cut, but test audiences found it "too preachy." Yeah, the final version is a huge improvement on that front. Some choice excerpts...
"How many of you out there have heard of alternative engines? Engines that can run on anything from alcohol to garbage or water. Or carburetors that can get hundreds of miles to the gallon. Or electric or magnetic engines, that can practically run forever."
"Millions and millions of gallons of oil are now destroying the ocean and the many forms of life it supports. Among these is plankton, which supplies sixty to ninety percent of the Earth's oxygen. This supports the entire marine ecosystem which forms the basis of our planet's food supply. But the plankton is dying. I thought, well, let's go to remote state or country, anywhere on Earth. But in doing a little research I realized that these people broker toxic waste all over the world. They basically control the legislation, and, in fact, they control the Law."
"We go to work each day and right under our noses we see our car and the car in front of us spewing noxious poisonous gasses that are all accumulative poisons. These poisons kill us slowly, even when we see no effect. How many of us would have believed if we were told twenty years ago that on a certain day we wouldn't be able to see fifty feet in front of us. That we wouldn't be able to take a deep breath because the air would be a mass of poisonous gas. That we wouldn't be able to drink out of our faucets, that we'd have to buy water out of bottles. Our most common and God-given rights have been taken away from us."
As long as all that shit is, I'm still vastly cutting down the speech itself. It makes the likes of Michael Moore look like a paragon of subtlety and restraint. It is easily the most preachy scene I have ever seen.
But...and here's the big "but"...Steven Seagal killed like fifty people and caused billions of dollars worth of damage just to get to that point. He also essentially argued at one point that violence solves everything and peaceful ways are for pussies, which is such a refreshing message these days.
If that's not enough reason to see On Deadly Ground, just remember this - Steven Seagal goes on a vision quest and fights a bear. And wins.
As some of you might be aware, I am very fond of Alice and Wonderland. I read the Lewis Carroll books and the Disney film is probably my second favorite after Snow White. So when I saw this, I figured it had to go up on here. It's entrancing and every time I watch it, I like it a little bit more.
EDIT: Tip o' the hat to Space Bream for linking me to this.
Think of it as the blogging equivalent of Terminator: The Return of the Terminator. Fresh off our monstrous success as 2/3 of the Fire Everybody team, Djmmm and I are teaming up to restore this blog to its former glory. Not quite sure what this will precisely involve (although NOT sports journalism meta-commentary is probably a very good guess), although I do know it's about to get a whole hell of a lot nerdier up in here. And on that note, let me lay out my one solemn goal: we're going to make this the World's Finest blog.
As long as Lois doesn't get in the way (AGAIN!), I think this should end well.
I am not dead. In fact, I have survived a year of law school and have started writing for a sports journalism blog, Fire Everybody in the Whole World! (except of course anyone on the 100 Greatest List). In any case, I'm here to make some announcements.
I have found that keeping up the blog on my own is incredibly hard work, but it gets to be alot easier to do if you're playing off someone else who is smart, funny, and articulate. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any such person, so I brought in fellow warm body from Fire Everybody, Archie Micklewhite to supplement this blog over here.
There will be a number of changes-- for starters we will actually be posting from time to time about whatever tickles our fancy. There'll also be some changes to the format of the blog over the next couple of weeks, primarily in terms of layout, but you can also expect some more embedding. Some things won't change though-- if you're not into sports, don't worry. This won't become a sports blog. That stuff will stay over there at Fire Everybody and if you want to read that stuff, go ahead. We're actually quite proud of it. We hope we can keep up the standards we've set over there (that is something between crap and mediocrity) over here (which would be a marked improvement over not posting for six months at a time. Additionally, if you're a fan of the 100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived series (and I know at least one of you is), fret not. The list actually does exist and I'm the only person that knows its contents. I'll pick that up again and try to post at least one new name each week, and no one, not even Archie, will know who's on the list.
Anyway, that's about it. If you're new to the blog but enjoyed our work over at Fire Everybody, we're going to try to do expand our horizons here and do the non-sports stuff here. We think the two blogs should supplement each other well.
I feel like I can almost just copy and paste the entry for Da Vinci and put it here. Whatever. Michelangelo ALSO had a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle named after him, who was alot less of a dick than Leonardo, who always behaved like he had a stick jammed up his ass.
Michelangelo is probably best known for painting the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel, pictured in slightly PhotoShopped form above, which is pretty awesome in and of itself, but he also sculpted the famous statue of the Biblical king, David as well as the almost as famous and equally sublime Pieta. He also did a really cool sculpture of Moses, and (I did not know this until doing a bit of research for this post) he also was the architect who designed St. Peter's Basilica in Rome.
That's it. Law school is taking alot out of me, and I'd really rather get through the list so sorry if these posts are becoming somewhat short. Next on the list is number 62, the man all (straight) men wish they were.
The funniest man in the funniest comedy troupe of all time, John Cleese comes in at number 64 of this list. I am sorely tempted here to go off on a tangent here about something like a man with a tape recorder in his nose. Instead I will mention here that Cleese was one of the funniest guests ever on The Muppet Show. Furthermore.... well, just watch this clip right here:
If that doesn't get you on this list, I don't know what will. Oh and he also did the Ministry of Silly Walks, the sketch about the fish called Eric, the Cheese Shop sketch, and of course the immortal Dead Parrot sketch.
Next time I post, it'll be about number 61 on the list, a guy who painted a really cool ceiling once.
You know what? Fuck Michael Jackson. I am so outraged about that goddamn diaper commercial, that Michael Jackson is getting stricken from the list. Can I do that? Sure. Why? Because it's my blog and Jacko's a douchebag for selling out the Beatles to sell bags for baby shit.
I'm replacing him here with Sir George Martin, CBE. If you've never heard of him, you've certainly heard the music he's produced before. He was the closest thing there ever was to a Fifth Beatle. Martin produced all of the Beatles' albums except for Let It Be, and that turned out to be an absolutely terrible fucking record, thanks to Phil "I allegedly murdered a struggling actress" Spector (might be able to strike the allegedly any minute now!).
And it's not like George Martin was just pushing buttons either. Where Lennon and McCartney were the raw writing talent of the band early on, Martin was the technical expert. None of the Beatles could read or write music and alot of the later stuff was jotted down by Martin and arranged for classically trained musicians to play. Some of his most notable stuff is playing the baroque sounding piano solo in "In My Life," arranging the orchestral build up in "A Day in the Life," and the circus music in "Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite."
Also George Martin is a knight. A fucking knight. Suck it, Michael Jackson, you turd.
By the way, the John Cleese post will get done when I have time.
