Saturday, March 17, 2007

The 100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived

At the behest of one of my close personal friends, I have been asked to put together an admittedly arbitrary and silly list of the 100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived. I will unveil it slowly over the next few weeks (months? year?) in descending order beginning with 100-90. I will do the first twenty, ten at a time. The bottom ten of the list will be coming soon, but just to get you started, some comments as to who will NOT be on the list--

  • Jesus Jesus will not be on the list. Jesus is boring, trite, and I'm not even 100 percent sure there was such a person. Jesus was kind of an asshole, and if you don't believe me, read the Bible. Jesus sucks. The same can be said for Muhammad, Moses, the Pope(s), Buddha and assorted other religious figures. They're boring and there are infinitely many people who are more awesome than they are/were. Including just about everyone I know.
  • Mother Teresa Mother Teresa was a cunt. There. I said it. Yes, I know Mother Teresa was supposed to be, well, a saint. But that's a lie. Mother Teresa was an awful person who, for religious reasons, caused and encouraged suffering because it helped her "get closer to Jesus." See above comments on Jesus. She also took money from the Duvaliers from Haiti, who would probably be on the opposite of this list. For context, the Duvaliers had basically stolen that money from poor people in Haiti. So basically that bitch took money from poor people in Haiti, and used it to help poor people elsewhere. Oh no, wait. She actually used something like eighty percent of the money she raised to propogate religion, rather than relieve suffering. Happily, last I checked, she is, in fact, still dead.
  • Gandhi Okay don't get me wrong. Gandhi was a pretty cool dude, who had some good ideas and stood up to the British. But he was also a racist who was into enemas. Which is pretty creepy. Also Gandhi took pacifism to morally untenable extremes. If you read Sam Harris' excellent book The End of Faith, you will read that Gandhi advocated pacifism as a response to Nazis. I wish I were making this up. He basically said that the Jewish response to the Holocaust would have been mass suicide in protest. Sorry Gandhi. To be on this list, you need balls. Or guts in the case of the one lady who makes the list.
  • Nelson Mandela I'm tired of hearing about Nelson Mandela. Apartheid was horrible. I am not in anyway being flippant about that. Having said that, Nelson Mandela is an asshole. He has buddied around Havana with Castro and called the late terrorist/scumbag Yassir Arafat a "comrade in arms." Yes, Nelson, you spent a lot of years in jail for standing up to an illegitimate tyranny. That's awesome. Now have a little bit of respect for the thousands of Cubans who have had to flee the island, the Cubans who have themselves been imprisoned or even executed for dissent, and the thousands who continue to suffer under a repressive regime that limits personal and economic freedoms. You turd.
Well that just about does it for this post. Coming soon the countdown begins, 100-90, the Pantheon of Internet Celebrities.

Monday, March 12, 2007

What a coincidence! My life ambition also involves dropping out of school and going on Girls Gone Wild !

Maury used to be just another guy with a daytime talk show, with his only distinguishing characteristic being that he was Mr. Connie Chung. Somewhere along the way, and it wasn't an overnight thing either, he slowly started to sell out and became even worse than Jerry Springer's show. I think it started with the whole "sending bad kids to boot camp" shows and then progressed to the paternity tests. I thought the paternity tests, entertaining as they were, were really scraping the bottom of the barrel. Then I saw this on YouTube...

Wow. Congratulations, Mr. Povich. You officially have the trashiest show on television.