Saturday, April 28, 2007

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #72 George Washington

The first serious person on this list, he probably actually deserves to be alot higher than here, but this is supposed to be fun and arbitrary so here comes George Washington at #72.

I think the most interesting thing about George Washington is the incredible mound of bullshit mythology that surrounds him. He might (seriously) be the most important figure in American history but alot of what many Americans think they know about him is purely fabricated. Among some of the more obvious and not-so obvious myths:

  • George Washington once threw a silver dollar across the Potomac River. The river is a mile wide at Mount Vernon. Nolan Fucking Ryan couldn't throw a silver dollar across the Potomac River.
  • That stupid cherry tree story. A dude named Parson Weems just made it up. That's right, the "I cannot tell a lie" story is complete and unadulterated bullshit.
  • He wore wooden false teeth. Not true, though he did have teeth made of lead and hippo bones. This is actually even cooler than wooden teeth if you ask me.
  • He knelt in prayer during the dark, cold winter at Valley Forge. To me, this is the most egregious of these myths. Washington was extremely private about his religion, conspicuously silent on Christianity. He was almost certainly NOT a Christian and you can read more about it in this book, Moral Minority, by Brooke Allen.
Washington's influence, though much of it might have something to do with the mythology built up around him by the likes of Parson Weems, has resonated on down through the last 208 years since his death in 1799. He set examples in his presidency that continue to be followed today.

Finally, I think any discussion about Washington would be incomplete without mention of his skills as a general. Let's face facts, folks-- George Washington was a bad motherfucker. He was so bad, that the Iroquois took to calling him Devourer of Villages after they bumped heads with him in the French and Indian War and then again in the Revolution.

Next on the list, the best writer in the history of baseball. Also a really nice dude.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Oh snap! Boris Yeltsin croaked!

The first democratically elected president of Russia is dead. I just thought this was worth mentioning. Yeltsin played an instrumental role in bringing the Soviet Union to its death and deserves a little tip of the hat here.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #73 Richard Pryor

Richard Pryor was THE funniest stand-up comic in history. Period. Paragraph. End of discussion. Seinfeld may have had the best sitcom; Carlin may be incredibly sharp, witty, and insightful; but Richard Pryor has them ALL beat. Seinfeld himself once called him "the Picasso of our profession" with Whoopi Goldberg saying he was her biggest influence. Pryor's stuff is still remarkably fresh and funny and his influence in undeniable. Just watch Chappelle's Show and then watch or listen to an old Pryor stand up special. The imprint that he left behind is quite obvious.

But Rich ain't on this list for being funny, though he was VERY funny. He's on this list because he was that rare humorist who spoke the truth, consequences be damned. If you care to watch enough Comedy Central late at night, you'll see dozens of comedians who make hacky observations ("why don't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff as the little black box?"), dumb racial jokes just to be controversial (anything Mencia's ever done on the topic), or doing the same bit for years and years (Pablo Francisco, that movie preview guy bit was hilarious, but you've been doing it for going on ten years now). Richard Pryor did none of these things. His stuff was always sharp and insightful-- "Yeah, Jack, the vampires don't like to see crucifxes. I hear their allergic to bullshit."-- his racial humor had a point-- his observations about the push to get Vietnamese orphans adopted ended "Shit we have 3 millions niggers here that need to get adopted."-- and he kept his stuff fresh.

By fresh, I mean REALLY fresh and personal. In 1980, Pryor set himself on fire and ran down the street screaming, engulfed in flames, and ended up suffering severe burns all over his body. It isn't quite clear whether this happened as an accident while free-basing cocaine, or whether it was a botched suicide attempt, but either way it was BAD. When Pryor did his last stand-up show, he waved a lit match in front of him calling it "Richard Pryor running down the street." He also observed that "When you're running down the street on fire, people get out of your way."

I close with a quote by Former Kennedy Center President Lawrence J. Wilker on awarding Pryor the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor:

Richard Pryor was selected as the first recipient of the new Mark Twain Prize because as a stand-up comic, writer, and actor, he struck a chord, and a nerve, with America, forcing it to look at large social questions of race and the more tragicomic aspects of the human condition. Though uncompromising in his wit, Pryor, like Twain, projects a generosity of spirit that unites us. They were both trenchant social critics who spoke the truth, however outrageous.

Next on the list, #72, the Father of Our Country. Yes, I WILL be putting some legitimately great human beings on this list.

Friday, April 20, 2007

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #74 Hulk Hogan


If those words don't excite you.... well you're obviously well younger than I am and/or not a dude. Terry Bollea, (d/b/a Hulk Hogan) is undoubtedly THE biggest star in the history of professional (that is, "fake") wrestling. And once upon a time, children, wrestling was HUGE.

Hulk Hogan, along with maybe The Rock, absolutely transcended wrestling and became a huge popular culture icon, literally and figuratively. He was Thunderlips in Rocky III. Hogan was actually fired from the then WWF for appearing in the movie, even though it drew attention to him and, by extension, the WWF. Two years later, as Hogan had wrestled elsewhere and started his rise to the top of the grapplin' world, he was brought back to the WWF where he would become its biggest star.

Hulkamania ran wild. Hogan issued "demandments" of his fans, urging us to train, say our prayers, take our vitamins, and of course, believe in ourselves. Never mind that Hulk Hogan was using anabolic steroids at the time. He was a REAL AMERICAN! This all sounds very cheesy and a cynical part of me is kind of admonishing me for doing this post, but wrestling was inherently cheesy anyway, and this stuff was/is extremely entertaining, especially because it was so earnest.

A case in point was the Andre the Giant feud. They were known to be good friends, and were very close in real life, so this was used in a storyline where jealousy tore the good pals apart. Hogan and Andre were being honored in the ring and somehow Andre tore off Hogan's shirt and his crucifix, leaving Hogan shocked. The result was a match at Wrestlemania III where Hogan bodyslammed the 520-pound Frenchman (who really ought to get an honorable mention on this list, if only for his fantastic acting in The Princess Bride) in front of an estimated 93,000 people in the Silverdome in Detroit. Let that sink in. Ninety three thousand people.

People of a certain age will remember how big Hogan was. His career spanned four decades and people my age will remember those Hulk Hogan dolls and his feud with the Ultimate Warrior. In retrospect, Hogan's career has been alot like the Terminator-- he just keeps coming back for more, and just when you think he's done for, he gets up and becomes huge again. His VH1 reality show, which is unbelievably entertaining, Hogan Knows Best, proves just that. The man is an incredible showman, and has had an amazing run. Huzzah for Terry Bollea.

Next on the List of the 100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived, the greatest and funniest stand up comic of all time. Now how's THAT for a teaser?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #75 Napoleon Bonaparte

Le Petit Corporal is an inspiration to short, insecure men everywhere. Napoleon Bonaparte was probably history's greatest general and actually made France(!) a world power to be reckoned with. Some would argue that Napoleon actually hastened the demise of France and her decline to second-rate bitch of Germany and later, the UK and US. Some might even say that Napoleon might just have been the first domino to fall in an unstoppable chain of events that led directly to the First World War and, by extension, Hitler, the Holocaust, the Second World War, and the Soviet occupation of Eastern Europe.

Still, Napoleon Bonaparte made a meaningful impact on French and European history one way or the other and the rest of Europe was scared so shitless of him, that they couldn't even put him in prison on the continent or even just execute him out of fear of making him a martyr. Instead they sent him to a little island off the coast of Tuscany called Elba. And then he came back to France and famously was met by a Royalist French army. Approaching the Fifth Regiment alone, he dismounted from his horse, tore his shirt open, offering his breast as a target and shouted, "Soldiers of the Fifth, you recognize me. If any man would shoot his emperor, he may do so now." Some shouted "Vive L'Empereur!" and he took over the damn country by acclimation. Soon thereafter, following his famous defeat at Waterloo, the British were so scared of Napoleon that they exiled him to friggin' St. Helena. Do you have any idea how far away St. Helena is? It's off the coast of central Africa. Go look at the map. And this was in the 19th century, before Phileas Fogg traveled 'round the world in 80 days.

Furthermore Napoleon wasn't really French. He was Corsican, which was more like Italian than French. So ultimately Napoleon doesn't lose points on this list for being French, but actually gains some for overcoming difficult odds and anti-immigrant discrimination and all that.

Also Napoleon liked to eat pussy. Alot, apparently. He liked to whistle in the wheat fields, sit down for a box lunch, bob for clams, and guest lecturing at Beaver College. To wit, some excerpts from his letters to Josephine, courtesy of PBS, of all places:

  • A kiss on your heart, and one much lower down, much lower!
  • I am going to bed with my heart full of your adorable image… I cannot wait to give you proofs of my ardent love… How happy I would be if I could assist you at your undressing, the little firm white breast, the adorable face, the hair tied up in a scarf a la creole. You know that I will never forget the little visits, you know, the little black forest… I kiss it a thousand times and wait impatiently for the moment I will be in it. To live within Josephine is to live in the Elysian fields. Kisses on your mouth, your eyes, your breast, everywhere, everywhere.
Next on the List, #74 reminds you to train hard, say your prayers, take your vitamins, be true to yourself, be true to your country, and, of course, be a Real American.

Monday, April 16, 2007


So I trekked out to Harvard Medical School to participate in some study involving virtual reality surgery teaching technology. It was a simulation of laparoscopic surgery. Basically the surgeon makes two small incisions and then inserts the instruments and proceeds to do the surgery and fiddling around with your insides while watching in real time on a monitor with the aid of fiber optic technology. Sounds really fascinating, right? My task was basically to match up some arrows in a three-dimensional space by picking them up with these instruments and moving them around. Except these arrows don't actually exist. They only exist on the tv screen in front of me.

It was basically me and another guy. The other guy finished in like twenty minutes. Me? I was 30% done when the software timed out about an hour and half in. So yeah. Things we've learned:

  • Surgeons are gods among men.
  • I cannot and never will be the dudes from Nip/Tuck. But maybe House.
  • Performing surgery is an incredibly specialized physical talent that is not merely a function of intellectual capacity and those guys deserve the money they get paid.
  • Also being a doctor is really hard and mad props to both of my readers at Vanderbilt Medical School. Much love to both of you.

If you're a Harvard student and are interested in participating in this study, let me know in the comment section and I will hook you up with the people in charge.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

In the Spirit of the Stan Lee Post....

I know this video has made the rounds, but even if you've never seen it a thousand times, much like the Leeroy Jenkins video, gets better with age.... Oh and the audio is NSFW.

Friday, April 13, 2007

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #76 Stan Lee

Greetings, True Believers! We now reach the Greatest Human Being Ever to Live and Be Involved in the Comic Book Business, Mr. Stan Lee. Yes Superman is certainly the biggest icon of popular culture to emerge from comic books, and everyone does seem to love the Dark Knight, but the cultural and social impact that the creations of Stan Lee have had are almost immeasurable. To wit, an abridged list of characters Stan Lee either created or was a co-creator of:

  • Spider-man
  • The Fantastic Four
  • The Incredible Hulk
  • Iron-Man
  • The X-Men
  • Thor
  • Dr. Strange
  • Daredevil
  • Striperella
Okay, so maybe he shouldn't be so proud of that last accomplishment, but still. That is an impressive list. What's more impressive is that he actually had a social conscience in writing these titles. He famously defied the Comics Code's ban on doing stories involving drug use when he did a Spider-man story where Spidey's best friend acquites a pill problem. Doing so caused the tight-asses at the Comic Book Authority to loosen the hell up and comic books are probably better off for it. Lee also neglected to condescend to his readers, using sophisticated vocabulary in his stories and responding to critics of this practice by saying, "If a kid has to go to a dictionary that's not the worst thing that could happen."

What's more, Stan's creations are all pretty deep and meaningful, especially considering how shallow and pulpy comic books tended to be up to that point. Spider-man is an angsty teenager, dealing with the death of his uncle. The Incredible Hulk tackles some of our worst nightmares about the dangers of nuclear radiation. And the X-men is an absolutely transparent allegory of the struggle for civil rights with Professor X and Magneto cast in the roles of Martin and Malcolm respectively. I think X-Men in particular continues to speak to people today, especially as we have right-wing, Evangelical Christian lunatics running around casting aspersions on gay people. Think of some of the anti-mutant rhetoric by some of the baddies in the old X-Men books and just substitute "fag" for "mutant" and I think you'll find that Lee could very well have been writing about gay people in the 21st Century.

But when I think of Stan Lee, I think most fondly to his extended cameo in the Kevin Smith classic, Mallrats. To this day, I, like Brodie, continue to wonder, is the Thing's dork REALLY made out of that rocky stuff or not?

The 75th Greatest Human Being Who Ever Lived was one of history's greatest generals. And he also apparently REALLY loved to eat pussy, too.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #77 Sylvester Stallone

"STALLONE???? You're putting Stallone on the list?" Yes, Grorxy, I am. Sylvester Stallone may be the most misunderestimated famous person this side of George W. Bush. Yes, alot of Stallone movies have sucked donkey balls. I come here not to praise Rocky V, Over the Top, or Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot!, but to bury... I mean praise Stallone himself. He was an 80s icon, on par with the current Governor of California (I still can't believe that Arnie is actually Governor; sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming!) as an action star. As Arnold himself says about Sly in that classic film, Last Action Hero, "The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!" Of course he was talking about an alternate universe where Sly plays the Terminator in Judgement Day, but that's neither here nor there.

People think of Sly Stallone as a retard with a speech impediment. Yes, he does in fact have a speech impediment. So what? But the man is not retarded. Let's remember that he did actually write Rocky AND First Blood, the former of which won the Academy Award for Best Picture and the latter of which was actually a really touching and profound film that spoke volumes about how we as a society treated Vietnam vets (by the way, that bit about First Blood is absolutely sincere; if you don't believe me, pop that sucker in the DVD player and actually think about it).

Rocky is easily his most important film, not just because it spawned five sequels, but because it basically served as the prototype for every sports movie to come since. The story of an underdog who gets his shot at the champ is an absolute cliche now but when the original Rocky came out, that was not yet the case. What's more is that the original film isn't trite at all. Instead of having some unbelievable sequence of events where Rocky wins the belt (Sly wisely saved this for the deuce) Rocky realizes right before the big fight at the end of the film that he can't possibly beat Apollo, and decides then and there that his goal is simply to have the courage and wherewithal to endure and go the distance with the best fighter in the world. The message of Rocky is universal-- we may not all have the talent of an Apollo Creed, but even the least among us can perservere and triumph in the face of adversity.

Also Sly single-handedly ended the Cold War. I hate to rip off Bill Simmons here, but it's true, it's damn true. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you probably haven't seen Rocky IV. Go see it, though preferably NOT while you're high. Yes, you know I'm looking at you over there in the corner. Don't do that again. Okay that was a reference that like ONE reader will get.

Next time, we'll meet the 76th Greatest Human Being Who Ever Lived. See you soon, True Believers!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #78 James Caan

James Caan, most famous for playing Sonny Corleone, is the 78th Greatest Human Being Who Ever Lived. I could write up a really long post about how awesome The Godfather is, but I think I'll save that for the Al Pacino post a little further up the list (you didn't think HE wouldn't make the cut did you?).

Instead, I will regale you with a personal anecdote. Once upon a time, when I was working at the front desk of a rather swank hotel on Miami Beach, I was attending to some guest and was having a hard time pulling up her reservation. Her last name was something like Cafferty or Cary. It doesn't matter exactly what except that the name began "Ca." The way the software we used was written, when you searched for a last name, you would just punch in the first two or three letters and it would methodically eliminate all reservations that did not match. So I punch in "Ca" and two reservations are remaining-- the guest at hand and one reservation for Mr. James Caan.

Now normally we would hear about VIPs like this if they were coming in BEFORE the shift started, but we heard nothing of the sort that day so at first I thought this was merely a coincidence. I checked the reservation (the guest was still standing there thinking I was working on her problem, by the way. Why yes, front desk people at hotels ARE snarky assholes!) and indeed it was THAT James Caan, as it had all kinds of special VIP-type notes attached.

I finally helped the guest and then ran to my supervisor and excitedly showed him the reservation, pointing out that this was Sonny FUCKING Corleone! So after a few minutes of giggling like school girls, we each return to doing our jobs. About an hour goes by, and I had sort of forgotten about the whole thing, and I'm checking my email. I finish and look up and standing there checking in with the person right next to me, is James Caan. And he is NOT alone. He's with (I shit you not) George Hamilton, and about six peroxide blondes who were clearly.... on the job, if you will.

So Mr. Caan checks in, goes up to his room, and aforementioned supervisor and I rush to the computer to see if they've ordered any pay-per-view programming (See what I said about hotel people being assholes? They also don't care for your privacy, especially if you're a celebrity!) Indeed, they had almost immediately ordered something called Rod Riders 7. So yes, basically there was an orgy going on involving James Caan and George Hamilton in the hotel. Needless to say this was extremely amusing.

Finally, toward the end of the evening, in one of the more shameless episodes of flaunting of celebrity and wealth I have ever personally witnessed that did not involve a Bentley and spinning rims, Caan walks through the lobby of the hotel with a blonde on each of his arms without a care in the world, as the people around him gawked and wondered, "Is that REALLY Sonny Corleone?" I think one person approached him for an autograph, a request he graciously fulfilled while his female companions were in the restroom.

Next on the list, the man who single-handedly ended the Cold War, because if I can change and you can change, then maybe we ALL can change....

Monday, April 9, 2007

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #79 Wacko Jacko

People tend to forget this, but there really was a time when Michael Jackson wasn't just some self-loathing weirdo child molester with Peter Pan syndrome, but was actually THE biggest musical star on the planet. Really. This actually happened, youngsters. Admittedly, I am barely old enough to remember that really cool "Black or White" video with the morphing people (a sequence which featured a then unknown Tyra Banks, an appearance that in retrospect looks glaringly like a cameo, but isn't really), a video that really marked the beginning of the end for the King of Pop. Still, I think people forget the impact that this dude had on culture.

Thriller was, until the Eagles released their Greatest Hits album, THE best selling album of all time. To date, it has sold 27 million copies. That's platinum 27 times over kids. By RIAA standards this means it's double, and almost triple, diamond. This is absolutely absurd. Yes, I know, popular does not always equal good. I mean, Mariah Carey's The Emancipation of Mimi went platinum a few times over. And she's awful.

So don't take the word of 27 million units sold and just listen to the record. You will be extremely hard pressed to find a better album, top to bottom. Not only is there NOT a single bad song on that record, but every song is good to classic. "Billy Jean", "Wanna Be Startin Something", "Beat It" and, of course the title track, "Thriller."

It's easy to forget that if Michael Jackson was not quite the inventor of the music video, he certainly revolutionized the concept. Just think of where we'd be without that "Thriller" video. My cousin, who was about fifteen around the time Thriller came out, went out and bought that damn red jacket from the video. This is how cool Michael Jackson was.

At the end of the day, I think the best way to describe the life of Wacko Jacko is surreal. It is absolutely surreal to believe now in retrospect that Michael Jackson was ever popular, and it probably would have been almost as surreal had you been told in 1984 that he'd be a pariah at the turn of the century. The man is like a character out of Shakespeare... who happens to have a predilection for young boys.

Next on the list, coming in at #78, the man that Barzini and Carlo set up at the toll plaza on the Jones Beach Causeway...

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: 89-80, Non-English Speaking Foreigners Who Amuse Me

The list continues...

89. Dikembe Mutombo - Perhaps the greatest shot-blocker in the history of the NBA, Mutombo has done tons of charity stuff benefiting Africa and was even paid tribute by President Bush in the State of the Union speech this year. Of course, if you have even a passing interest/knowledge about this blog/list, you know that this is not the reason he made the list. Two main reasons: 1) his famous finger wag, which has apparently been grandfathered in so that it doesn't count as taunting under the new league rules and 2) the story circulating the internets about his days at Georgetown. Apparently, he would walk into bars, being the Big Man on Campus and all, and would loudly announce/ask "WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?"

88. Gert Frobe - He played the titular character in Goldfinger, arguably the best/most memorable Bond villain ever. Apparently the producers hired him sight unseen and when he arrived it was found that his English was utterly unfucking intelligible. They had to dub his lines over in post-production with somebody else. Also he got sucked out of an airplane window in one of the most ridiculous deaths in cinematic history. Oh I'm sorry did I just spoil the movie for you? Too bad.

87. Johnathan Ke Quan - "YOU CHEAT DOCTA JONES! YOU CHEAT!" Admittedly, it's a love-hate relationship with the kid who played Short Round. But c'mon man. He was in Temple of Doom AND he was Data in The Goonies.

86. Paul Verhoeven - Okay I know. I'm playing fast and loose with "non-english speaking foreigners" but Verhoeven belongs here. If you've ever seen him in interviews you know that he is a manic Dutchman, but he has also made such (camp?) classics as Total Recall, Robocop, and Starship Troopers. I hear Robocop is HUGE in Brazil. Would you like to know more?

85. Magnus Grimeland - I promised someone people I have interacted with or who are not explicitly famous somehow would not be on The List. Magnus Grimeland will be the lone exception to this rule. Although I don't know him per se, I have interacted with him on a couple of occasions at the library and we will graduate in the same class in Harvard Yard on June 7. Anyway, Magnus ran for Vice-President of the Undergraduate Council at Harvard but that's not nearly as cool as the fact that he was a member of the Norwegian special forces. Which is pretty damn cool. Anyway, some time last year, they had a screening of Jaws in a University swimming pool (i.e. the movie was on a big screen while the kids were in the pool). To ensure safety, Magnus spent the two hours at the bottom of the pool patrolling in SCUBA gear. That my friend, gets you on the list.

84. Gerard Depardieu - Quite possibly the worst actor ever, at least in English, he gets points for playing a very dorky character in Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet who gets sent to spy on Laertes. He's also been in such classics as Green Card and.... actually that's it. Also he is apparently the favorite actor and close personal friend of .... Fidel Castro. What the fuck???? Actually you know what? Fuck Gerard Depardieu. He's an asshole. In his place is another Frenchman....

84. Cyrano de Bergerac - Before you complain that he's fictional, I remind you that the play was based on a real-person who was pretty awesome. If you haven't read it,you definitely should. It's my favorite play not written by Shakespeare and everyone should read it. I will move on but first a quote from a former Hialeah High football coach who once remarked "Cyrano de Bergerac... yeah there was a guy who was really popular with the ladies. They loved to sit on his face."

83. Harold Sakata - It's Oddjob! Yes, he blew a fuse. And yes, that's two characters from Goldfinger. Which is an awesome movie. What's that? This is a copout? Fuck you! YOU put together a list of ten foreigners who amuse you....

82. Takeru Kobayashi - While some people might find this horrifying, I find it extremely amusing that we live in a world where people starve while some Japanese guy can put away 97 Krystals hamburgers in one contest and 53 and a half hot dogs in another. He is currently the reigning champion of hot dog eating at the Coney Island thing. I once saw him vomit on national television. Grotesque? Yes. Amusing? Even more so.

81. Pat Morita - Mr. Miyagi! People forget but he was nominated for an Oscar for being in The Karate Kid and.... what do you mean he born in California? You mean he's AMERICAN? Uhmm well that's embarassing....

80. Desi Arnaz - Yes this is borderline racial/ethnic favoritism, but Desi Arnaz was on the funniest sitcom ever and his "Lucy you have some 'splaining to do" gets quoted back at me almost every time that I tell someone outside of Florida that I'm Cuban. So because of Desi Arnaz, I can tell racist assholes apart from everyone else. For that he makes this list.

Okay so the list begins in earnest after this, with a man who has a dream. A dream of a 50 foot tall robot replica of himself wandering the Las Vegas-area desert shooting laser beams everywhere....

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: 100-90, The Pantheon of Internet Celebrities

Long over due, here is the beginning of The List of the 100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived beginning with #100, and introducing the Pantheon of Internet Celebrities. I defined "Internet Celebrities" as people who would not otherwise be known at all, either for writing, performing something, or having a website or blog. Where possible, I have included links. Here we go....

100. Numa Numa Kid- When Al Gore invented the internet sometime in the 1970s, he could not possibly have foreseen the development of the phenomenon of random people making videos of themselves sitting in front of their computers, lip-synching to random songs. Numa Numa Kid is the standard-bearer for this phenomenon and if you haven't seen this utterly bizarre video, well then you really just don't know much about the internet do you?

99. The Big Man, a. k. a. The Kid from Brooklyn- If you've ever sat through an episode of the Sopranos, you have almost certainly said to yourself, "Do people like this REALLY exist?" The answer is, apparently, "YES" in all caps. Similar to the aforementioned phenomenon of people singing/lip-synching in front of their desktops, there is also the "lunatics yelling/pontificating/editorializing about things in front of a webcam." The Big Man, who recently had to start charging people to watch his video, and then apologized for having to do so, is a pretty stereotypical loud New Yorker who expresses boisterous, often moronic , but almost always entertaining opinions about just about everything. He is also the first of many people on this list that I will classify as "batshit insane."

98. The Brothers Chaps, Yes, Strong Bad isn't as funny as he used to be. But these guys run kind of contrary to the whole idea that the internet is anarchy and everything on there is pure filth, utterly commercialized, or just crap. While their site is certainly anarchic, they have somehow managed to keep it clean, pretty good, and have kept out advertising by selling products that people actually want to buy. Right now you can help keep the site afloat by buying t-shirts or even action figures. I think it's pretty cool that they thought a little outside the box and have managed to keep the site going without resorting to asking for donations or selling ads. Huzzah for them!

97. MySpace Tom- I have to admit that even though I do have a MySpace, I am not a big fan, especially not when I get friend requests from people I don't know or people who are clearly promoting their amateur porno websites. But the fact is that MySpace ended up going on the market to Rupert Murdoch's NewsCorp for more than half a BILLION dollars and made MySpace Tom and company incredibly wealthy. Now there is apparently some controversy about whether Tom is actually a "co-founder" or whatever. Doesn't matter. Tom is EVERYONE'S friend on there and is a bona fide internet celebrity. I can only imagine how much ass this gets him.

96. Matt Drudge- Alright he's kind of a sleazy scumbag with a gawdawful radio show. And his website is pretty drab and often reports unreliable stories that govholes frequently link to in orgasmic delight whenever he puts something on there that confirms said govholes' world view. So yes, Matt Drudge is an asshole in a fedora. But let's not forget that Matt Drudge broke the Lewinsky story nine years ago and helped to bring about one of the most surreal and, frankly, entertaining political events in recent history. Let's give the man some credit for at least that much.

95. Star Wars Kid- This kid got made fun of on Arrested Development. I don't think there's anything for me to add beyond that. Except that he's apparently some Quebecois who taped himself fooling around after school, and somehow the tape got out onto the Information Superhighway causing him much embarassment. Poor kid.

94. Bill Simmons, a.k.a. the Sports Guy, formerly the Boston Sports Guy- Yes, he jumped the shark a while ago, and isn't really as funny as he used to be, but let's consider the following: He started out as a nobody, an aspiring writer who was just very funny and managed to parley his own little website into a gig as probably the best writer not named Peter Gammons at the World Wide Leader in Sports. Also he recently inked a deal with the folks at Bristol to work on programming. That is pretty impressive if you ask me.

93. Will Leitch, He is the editor of the best and funniest sports blog on the internet. If you don't agree with me on that, I will fight you. And that's no lie.

92. Max Goldberg, When he put up this simple page, he changed the world. It helped bring about a huge website with its own culture and inside references and fads. is a great way to waste time that you don't have, and can be extremely entertaining at its best, and absolutely baffling at other times (though those two are hardly mutually exclusive).

91. Ryan North, Dinosaur Comics- With all due respect to the Perry Bible Fellowship, Penny Arcade, or Red Meat, Dinosaur Comics is the best strip on the web. I would say more, but I think the strip speaks for itself. If you've never seen it, check it out.

90. Leeeeeeeeroy Jenkins- The Greatest Human Being Who is an Internet Celebrity Who Ever Lived is the voice behind quite possibly the funniest video I have ever seen on the internet. For the record, I have never in my life played World of Warcraft, and this video STILL puts me in stitches. In fact, I'm gonna just go ahead and embed it here.

Next time, 89-80, Non-English Speaking Foreigners Who Amuse Me! Stay tuned!