Sunday, July 22, 2007

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #65 Harrison Ford

He is the biggest box office draw ever, having had movies that he starred in gross more money combined than any other actor on the planet, living or dead. Harrison Ford has shown TONS of range, playing, to wit:

  • An ass-kicking galactic smuggler (Han Solo)
  • An ass-kicking archaeologist (Indiana Jones)
  • An ass-kicking President of the United States (in Air Force One)
  • An ass-kicking robot bounty hunter (Blade Runner)
  • An ass-kicking doctor who totally didn't murder his wife. Tommy Lee Jones doesn't care. (The Fugitive)
  • An ass-kicking cop playing an ass-kicking Amish (Witness. I swear I'm not making that up)

Okay so maybe he doesn't have that much range. But when I was a kid I frigging idolized Indiana Jones. I remember when we went to MGM Studios when I was a little boy, I bought a genuinely and officially licensed Indiana Jones fedora. Man I felt so cool having adventures in the yard wearing that thing. Also I always thought it was really cool how Indy could talk without really moving his lips at all.

In fact, Harrison Ford SHOULD be alot higher on this list, considering that he was in the three Star Wars movies that actually mattered AND that he was Indiana Jones. But he's gotten old, he's lost a bit of his touch, and more important (and embarrassingly) he has made a string of gawdawful movies the last ten years or so, including Firewall, Holywood Homicide, and, perhaps worst of all, K-19: The Widowmaker. God damn, Widowmaker was terrible.

Next time on the list, something completely different. A man sitting at a desk announcing complete non sequiteur comedy sketches.

100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #66 Leonardo Da Vinci

Now I know I haven't put a lot of artsy fartsy types on this list-- in fact I haven't put any at all so far. Pablo Picasso, for example, will not be on this list. To be one of the 100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived, you have to do much more than paint pretty pictures! You have to uhmmm... be like this guy, or that guy, you know.... class all the way.

But here's Da Vinci, so I know you're wondering-- Djmmm, have you gone all soft on us here? And the answer, I assure you, is "No, no I have not." Because Leonardo Da Vinci was much more than a great painter who had the stick-in-the-mud ninja turtle named after him. He was a fuckin' genius.

He was born in 1452 and died in 1519 and in those 67 years he was THE Renaissance Man. He was a painter, sculptor, engineer, and anatomist among other things. He designed a fucking helicopter in the 16th century. Keep in mind that the man died almost 400 years before the Wright Brothers came along and had they're little flight at Kitty Hawk. Among other ideas he came up with that were way ahead of his time were plate tectonics, solar power, internet porn, calculators, baseball, and tanks. WARNING: Two of the preceding assertions may not be true.

If all of this wasn't enough the man was also a brilliant artist who created three of the most famous images in the Western canon-- this, this, and this. That last one has been kind of the inspiration for a shitty book about Jesus boning Mary Magdalene or some other such nonsense. I don't know, because I haven't read it. I have better things to do with my time, like say, writing this shittier and irregularly updated blog.

Okay enough with the serious honest to goodness great people and back to the People Who Are Great Because This Is My Blog and I Say So. Next on the list will be number 65, the coolest and baddest 65 year old working action star ever, the subject of man crushes all over America and a sexy sexy man.

Friday, July 20, 2007

And on the Ninth day, God said, "Let there be Internet" and He saw that it was good...

I really don't have alot to say other than when Al Gore invented the Internet, I'm pretty sure this wasn't what he had in mind...

Thanks to my close personal friend Space Bream for the linkage. Because in Space, no one can hear the Bream......