"STALLONE???? You're putting Stallone on the list?" Yes, Grorxy, I am. Sylvester Stallone may be the most misunderestimated famous person this side of George W. Bush. Yes, alot of Stallone movies have sucked donkey balls. I come here not to praise Rocky V, Over the Top, or Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot!, but to bury... I mean praise Stallone himself. He was an 80s icon, on par with the current Governor of California (I still can't believe that Arnie is actually Governor; sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming!) as an action star. As Arnold himself says about Sly in that classic film, Last Action Hero, "The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!" Of course he was talking about an alternate universe where Sly plays the Terminator in Judgement Day, but that's neither here nor there.
People think of Sly Stallone as a retard with a speech impediment. Yes, he does in fact have a speech impediment. So what? But the man is not retarded. Let's remember that he did actually write Rocky AND First Blood, the former of which won the Academy Award for Best Picture and the latter of which was actually a really touching and profound film that spoke volumes about how we as a society treated Vietnam vets (by the way, that bit about First Blood is absolutely sincere; if you don't believe me, pop that sucker in the DVD player and actually think about it).
Rocky is easily his most important film, not just because it spawned five sequels, but because it basically served as the prototype for every sports movie to come since. The story of an underdog who gets his shot at the champ is an absolute cliche now but when the original Rocky came out, that was not yet the case. What's more is that the original film isn't trite at all. Instead of having some unbelievable sequence of events where Rocky wins the belt (Sly wisely saved this for the deuce) Rocky realizes right before the big fight at the end of the film that he can't possibly beat Apollo, and decides then and there that his goal is simply to have the courage and wherewithal to endure and go the distance with the best fighter in the world. The message of Rocky is universal-- we may not all have the talent of an Apollo Creed, but even the least among us can perservere and triumph in the face of adversity.
Also Sly single-handedly ended the Cold War. I hate to rip off Bill Simmons here, but it's true, it's damn true. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you probably haven't seen Rocky IV. Go see it, though preferably NOT while you're high. Yes, you know I'm looking at you over there in the corner. Don't do that again. Okay that was a reference that like ONE reader will get.
Next time, we'll meet the 76th Greatest Human Being Who Ever Lived. See you soon, True Believers!
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