100 Greatest Human Beings Who Ever Lived: #75 Napoleon Bonaparte

Le Petit Corporal is an inspiration to short, insecure men everywhere. Napoleon Bonaparte was probably history's greatest general and actually made France(!) a world power to be reckoned with. Some would argue that Napoleon actually hastened the demise of France and her decline to second-rate bitch of Germany and later, the UK and US. Some might even say that Napoleon might just have been the first domino to fall in an unstoppable chain of events that led directly to the First World War and, by extension, Hitler, the Holocaust, the Second World War, and the Soviet occupation of Eastern Europe.

Still, Napoleon Bonaparte made a meaningful impact on French and European history one way or the other and the rest of Europe was scared so shitless of him, that they couldn't even put him in prison on the continent or even just execute him out of fear of making him a martyr. Instead they sent him to a little island off the coast of Tuscany called Elba. And then he came back to France and famously was met by a Royalist French army. Approaching the Fifth Regiment alone, he dismounted from his horse, tore his shirt open, offering his breast as a target and shouted, "Soldiers of the Fifth, you recognize me. If any man would shoot his emperor, he may do so now." Some shouted "Vive L'Empereur!" and he took over the damn country by acclimation. Soon thereafter, following his famous defeat at Waterloo, the British were so scared of Napoleon that they exiled him to friggin' St. Helena. Do you have any idea how far away St. Helena is? It's off the coast of central Africa. Go look at the map. And this was in the 19th century, before Phileas Fogg traveled 'round the world in 80 days.

Furthermore Napoleon wasn't really French. He was Corsican, which was more like Italian than French. So ultimately Napoleon doesn't lose points on this list for being French, but actually gains some for overcoming difficult odds and anti-immigrant discrimination and all that.

Also Napoleon liked to eat pussy. Alot, apparently. He liked to whistle in the wheat fields, sit down for a box lunch, bob for clams, and guest lecturing at Beaver College. To wit, some excerpts from his letters to Josephine, courtesy of PBS, of all places:

• A kiss on your heart, and one much lower down, much lower!
• I am going to bed with my heart full of your adorable image… I cannot wait to give you proofs of my ardent love… How happy I would be if I could assist you at your undressing, the little firm white breast, the adorable face, the hair tied up in a scarf a la creole. You know that I will never forget the little visits, you know, the little black forest… I kiss it a thousand times and wait impatiently for the moment I will be in it. To live within Josephine is to live in the Elysian fields. Kisses on your mouth, your eyes, your breast, everywhere, everywhere.

Next on the List, #74 reminds you to train hard, say your prayers, take your vitamins, be true to yourself, be true to your country, and, of course, be a Real American.